


Author/DVD Commentary on Party Tricks

by Vera (Vera_DragonMuse)



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Author Commentary, DVD Commentary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2013-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 18:40:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vera_DragonMuse/pseuds/Vera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As an experiment for my follower milestone on Tumblr, I'm adding commentary to my Fili/Kili fic Party Tricks. You can find the original here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/641629</p>
            </blockquote>





	Author/DVD Commentary on Party Tricks

_*taps microphone* This thing on? Ok, so Party Tricks was sort of a meeting of two prompts I saw on the hobbit kink meme, one was a straight forward modern AU and another was looking for a reincarnation/reunion type story. I knew I wanted to do both, but I foolishly thought I could do it in a much shorter story. I wound up writing over a period of about two weeks._

Chapter 1: November 2012

_I used a framing technique in this story that I use a lot. The story begins and ends on Bofur's birthday. Though he's a secondary charachter in the story, he's narratively one of the most important._

A long finger poked into Kili’s ribs. He groaned and buried his face deeper into his pillow. The poke came again, accompanied by a grumble of mashed syllables. The hum of traffic outside penetrated through the comforter.

“S’early.” Kili protested, propping himself up on his elbows. Bifur stood next to his bed, already holding a cup of coffee and an unimpressed expression. “Oh! Right. Sorry. Give me a second, ok?”

“Mmhf.” Bifur muttered and padded out of the bedroom. Shifting around on the floor, Kili drew on boxers and an ancient sweatshirt.

Dawn crept in through the shades, too early for any decent person to be awake.

_I have an obsession with using the sun to set a scene. Light comes through windows several times in this piece._

It would be worth it though to see the look on Bofur’s face. So Kili walked out to the kitchen, hissing at the cold tile under the soles of his feet. Bifur was already pouring tall glasses of the fresh orange juice they’d bought the night before. Kili ducked down under the sink and pulled out the bakery box he’d secreted there. The oven warmed the pastries to gooey perfection.

“Wake up time, boys!” Bofur shouted from his room, the solid thump of his feet landing on the floor echoing through the apartment. Most mornings that call was what roused Kili from his bed.

“Not if we’re already up!” Kili shouted back. “Getting lazy in your old age.”

“Forty-five isn’t old, welp.” Bofur lumbered into the kitchen, bulky in his terrycloth bathrobe and tattered bunny slippers. “What’s this then?”

“Hap’berf.” Bifur gave his brother an awkward one arm hug.

“Something for the birthday boy.” Kili pulled the chocolate croissants out of the oven and slide two onto a plate. “We figured that we could make you breakfast for once.”

“You didn’t have to do that!” But Bofur smiled broadly, pulling Kili into a hard hug. “Was a nice thing, lad. But you’re not getting out of coming to the Hills later.”

_Hammering in echoes to the original story was actually kind of hard. I think I mostly gave up after mentioning a few and let it go._

“Oh, come on!” Kili protested more out of form than real despair. “That place is all burly bears and tiny twinks.”

“Wasn’t long ago you were one of the tiny twinks yourself.” Bofur chided, taking his place at the table. “Can’t do every night at Rivendell hooking up like it’s a sport.”

“Why not?” Kili folded himself into a chair, picking at a cheese danish. “I’m not going to be this pretty forever.”

“Alright, princess.” Bofur snorted. “But you’re coming tonight and that’s that.”

“Only because it’s your birthday.”

Breakfast passed too quickly, shoving them all from the table, into work clothes and out onto the streets. Kili decided to walk, nose tucked into his scarf and hands jammed in his pockets. The cold air bit into his lungs and cleared the last of the morning fog from his head. The shop was quiet when he came in, a note tacked up in the backroom pointing him to a table that needed enormous mounds of TLC.

_I like Kili as a carpenter or a fletcher, it's something I've used in all my Fili/Kili stuff. As an archer he'd probably be making his own arrows, so it fits nicely. Even in an AU, I still think both he and Fili would work with their hands._

“I’ve got you.” He pat the scarred wood fondly and went to get a sander.

His work wasn’t precisely solitary. Restoration buzzed around him all day, some from independent contractors renting the space for a few hours or days and other employees of the front store like Kili. They talked shop over lunch, the radio selling insurance and humming classic rock over bologna sandwiches and burnt coffee.

It wasn’t the life that Kili had dreamed for himself when he was a kid, but he liked it anyway. By the end of the day, the table looked nearly new. Taking in the old broken and ruined, turning it around was what Kili liked the best. The smell of sawdust and the tired satisfaction of a long day’s work didn’t hurt.

Back on the street, he ducked into Gio’s and picked up three meatball subs. Friday night and he was going to be hanging out with middle aged men. Kili grinned as they rang him up. There was money in his pocket, food soon to be in his belly and friends waiting for him. Maybe it wasn’t a night of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll, but a boy had to have some variety.

_I live near, but not in NYC. I grew up in its shadow and I love the culture of the people who do live there. I tried to work a lot of that in._

“I brought dinner!” He called out when he reached the apartment.

“Wish it was my birthday every day if it got your lazy arse bringing home the bacon.” Bofur leaned his head back on the couch, flashing Kili an upside down grin. “What’ve you got then?”

“Gio’s subs.” Kili handed over the bag. “And I bring home the bacon plenty. Just not in food form.”

“Aye, lad, that you do.” Bofur pulled one of the sandwiches out and handed it to Bifur, who was watching Spongebob with the kind of attention usually reserved for calculus exams. “Good day at work?”

“The usual.” He hung up his coat. “What about you?”

“Same. Life’s a bit boring for us these days, isn’t it?”

“Could be worse.”

They ate in the glow of the television, licking sauce off their fingers until Bifur fetched them all paper towels with a roll of the eyes. The food was heavy, not his usual pre-club fare and Kili would quite happily have stayed on the couch in a daze for a few more hours.

“Right then.” Bofur got to his feet. “Get your dancing shoes on. We’re off.”

“It’s not even seven.” Kili yawned. “No one goes out this early.”

“Hills ain’t a regular club and I’m too old to be up for all hours.” Bofur clucked. “Up. Clothes. Nothing with glitter on it or holes where no holes should be.”

_The Hills is based on Woody's from Queer as Folk. I liked the idea of an older, bear oriented sort of gay bar._

“Would you like to dress me?” Kili asked sullenly. “Don’t want to embarrass you.”

“Oh, don’t take on like that.” Bofur kicked at one of Kili’s workboots. “You know I’m proud of you, just not that kind of place is it?”

“Guess not.” Kili ducked his head to hide the flush that always came with Bofur’s pride. He’d worked hard to earn that. “Give me ten.”

“Pffft.” Bifur opined.

“Ok, twenty.” Kili amended, before heading back to his room.

His schizophrenic closet, half worn work clothes, half ‘I give it away for free’ clubbing clothes yielded up a decent enough compromise. Black jeans that had seen better days, soft and clingy in the right places, deep v-neck t-shirt in washed out blue and black button down with a faint shimmer that he could leave open. Totally respectable.

_Here I was starting to lead into the idea that Kili doesn't actually have very much. Yes, he has a messy closet, but underneath that he doesn't really have much in the way of knockabout clothes. A few club outfits and old work clothes._

There was nothing to be done about his hair, too long these days as it ran wild nearly to his shoulders. Gel on his hands and a fingercombing through curls and cowlicks did little to tame the mop. Stubble had grown in dark and thick on his cheeks, hinting at a beard from several days laziness. He’d fit right in at The Hills looking like that. Well. Why not?

_I picture Kili looking like a meld between Adrian Turner and Kili here. Modern enough not to earn a second look on the street, but certainly recalling the look of the dwarf._

“Ready then?” He called out, toeing into black dress shoes.

“Ready.” Bofur had shuffled into jeans and a bright paisley button down. For him, it was nearly a tuxedo. His hair was tied neatly back and his thick beard combed.

“Meeting someone special?” Kili asked mildly, handing over the thick camo jacket that hung on Bofur’s hook.

“Never know, do you?” Bofur shrugged.

_First foreshadowing of Bilbo's eventual arrival at the end of the story._

“Coming, Bifur?”

“Nnff.” Bifur pulled a thick afghan off the back of the couch and wrapped it around himself.

“Leave him be.” Bofur laughed. “Someone’s got to watch the homestead.”

“Night then, Bif.” Kili dropped a kiss on nest of dark brown hair. Bifur snorted, but his lips twitched in a smile. “Right out we- Oh, come on. No.”

“What?” Bofur jammed the cap down with a defiant tug at the bent wings.

_It's just not Bofur without his hat._

“Seriously?”

“It’s cold out.” Bofur opened the door. “Coming? Or do you want to call the fashion police on me, princess?”

“Fine.”

It was cold out, cold enough that Kili was glad for his scarf and maybe a little envious of the ridiculous hat. The subway was lively and Bofur made friends with a woman carrying too many shopping bags. He always did that. Kili had never learned the trick of the instant charm. Maybe it couldn’t be faked. Bofur had a way of listening that made it clear he cared about what you were saying, even if it was boring or stupid. And then he’d give you a ridiculous nickname that you’d pretend to hate, but eventually became your identity.

Or maybe that was just Kili.

“Our stop.” Bofur elbowed him.

The music that trickled out from under the Hills wooden doors wasn’t loud or thumping. It was a little mournful though and trailed by the smell of woodsmoke. Inside, it looked more like a pub then a gay bar. Everything was done up in dark woods and red leather. The regulars lined the bar with heavy beards and round bellies. There were other people too, younger men that would go ignored at bigger flashier clubs, but here stood out as relative beauties. They gathered in clusters mostly keeping to themselves in anxious flirty flurries, but some of them gravitated to the older men. Drawn by what, Kili wasn’t sure. He’d never had a taste for that.

_Did you know young guys that like bears are called cubs? I love that._

“Hello, boys!” Bofur discarded his coat to hang on a hook, but left on the hat as if it weren’t pleasantly warm. “Let’s have a round on me, shall we?”

A cry went up as the regulars saluted Bofur with a raising of mugs. Kili followed in his wake and soon there was a drink in his hand. It smelled suspiciously of something fruity and glowed an alarming shade of green in the dim lighting.

“What is this?” He asked, but Bofur only winked at him. “Not absinthe again, is it?”

_This was originally going to be a running gag with Bofur foisting weirder and weirder drinks on Kili. But they never wound up in a bar again._

“Don’t be so suspicious. Oi! Over here!” Bofur waved to a gaggle of men pouring through the front door. “Someone you should meet.”

“Oh, fuck me. You didn’t.” Kili groaned. “I came because it was your birthday, not to get set up with another one of your ‘finds’.”

“You liked Dori well enough.”

“Until I found out that he was a she!” Kili hissed. “And I’m not looking to date, you know that.”

_I truly believe that some of the dwarfs in the company are female. Gender just doesn't seem to matter much with dwarfs, so why not?_

“Most of lower Manhattan knows that. The Trojan condom company knows for sure.” Snickered one of the other regulars.

_I re-wrote that line a dozen times and I'm still not pleased with it. I wanted it to be a really funny punch, but it's eh for me._

“Hey!” Kili tried to track down the commenter, but it was lost in the rising well of voices.

“Look, just say hello and finish your drink.” Bofur tapped the green glass with his own furiously pink concoction. “And meet my friend. If you hate him, you can toddle on home and watch Gilmore Girls with Bifur.”

_Bifur's obsession with dramas and procedurals was a quieter running theme. I just like the idea of him being a couch potato. Besides, watching television is a passive experience, so he wouldn't have to worry about making himself understood._

“Christ. Fine.” Gamely he took a sip of the drink. It tasted deceptively of lime and coconut. “This has six different kinds of liquor in it, doesn’t it?”

“There!” Bofur pointed to the batch of newcomers as though Kili would know exactly who he meant. “Nice boy. Can’t rightly remember his name.”

“Oh, fantastic. Hasn’t even earned a name yet and he’s for me then?”

“Maybe you can name him.” Bofur sniffed. “Now then.”

_Bofur absolutely knew who Fili was at this point. As soon as Fili came into his shop, Bofur planned to introduce him to Kili. To him one of the greatest tragedies of how they were all reincarnated was that the brothers were separated. That the boys started dating when they met threw him off, more than we ever see in the story. He dealt with it behind closed doors._

Kili took a fortifying gulp of his drink as Bofur hooked a finger into Kili’s front pocket and dragged him discreetly across the room. The new group was four strong and didn’t seem inclined to settle just yet. Three of them were having an animated conversation in a slur of accents, their coats still half on. So cacophonous were they that the last member of their party could easily be overlooked and was in fact, mostly hidden by them.

Please let it be the quiet one. Kili thought. He didn’t think he could bare one of the burly, shouting men.

“Hello again.” Bofur grinned, reaching through the argument to tap the quiet man on the shoulder. “Remember me?”

“Of course.” And from the anonymous bickering crowd came one of the most handsome men Kili has ever had the privilege to look upon.

Kili has always had very, painfully specific, taste. As attested to by smartass bar patrons that had not stopped Kili from sampling one of every height, skin color and age. Yet when push really came to shove, he could and had described his ideal mate with exquisite detail. He had not once imagined Bofur was actually paying attention to his drunken ramblings as every other blind date Bofur had initiated had deviated from that ideal as much as possible.

Until today. Because the man Bofur was even now bringing closer to Kili had everything. He was shorter than Kili, fair in every sense of the word, wore his blond curls loose and tumbling around his face and had eyes the shifting blue-green-hazel color of the Atlantic. His shoulders were broad and Kili was willing to bet good money that the battered leather jacket he wore covered up strong arms.

_Yes, Kili's type is essentially Fili, meaning that some small part of him does remember his brother enough to know that he wants someone like that in his life. Foreshadowing!_

“Kili, lad, this is Philip.” Bofur frowned. “Terrible name that. What do you think of Fili?”

_Bofur's nicknaming was the only rational way I could give them their real names back. In a modern setting they just sound ridiculous otherwise. In my other modern au…I'm just not explaining it which I'm not thrilled with, but what can you do?_

“I’m not picky. Long as you don’t call me ‘shithead’ or ‘you’, I’m fine.” Said Philip in a delicious accent. Kili’s stomach flipped. “Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, I. Same.” Kili took the hand Philip offered up. “Hope you like Fili because you’ve been officially renamed. Change your license and birth certificate. Bofur’s names stick like glue.”

_You'd think Kili is exaggerating here, but as we find out in the next chapter, he really did legally change his name._

“Eh, don’t exaggerate.” Bofur laughed, then called out to the bar. “Oi, you lot! Meet Fili!”

“Hello, Fili!” The bar called back.

“I see I’m truly doomed.” Fili laughed and it was a lovely laugh. An even better smile, wry and knowing, was left in its wake. “Any point in asking who you were before Kili?”

“None.” Kili smiled back, probably looking utterly ridiculous. “Don’t even remember.”

_You are a lying liar who lies, Kili._

“So what are you drinking?” Fili eyed the glass suspiciously.

“I have no idea.” He wanted to run his hair through that thick blond hair and cup that strong jawline in his hands. It was amazing he could still talk without gibbering. “Something embarrassing, I think. Rather have a beer really.”

“Yeah? What do you like?”

“Guinness.” Kili put a hand to the back of his neck. The chill from holding the cold glass cooled him marginally. “It’s not a decent beer unless your spoon will stand straight up it.”

_Pure indulgence here. Guinness is my husband's favorite and he often says this about it._

“You’re a man of excellent taste.” Fili decreed, then walked away towards the bar.

Kili tried not to feel bereft. After all, it did give him a chance to look at Fili’s remarkable ass in a very tight pair of jeans. It was stupid. Fili was just another one of Bofur’s finds, most likely. A poor unfortunate that Bofur would fix up and return into the wild. Probably dumb as a stump or addicted to gambling or getting over an awful ex.

“Give me that.” Fili turned around and gestured to Kili’s glass.

“Going to pour it out? Might eat through the wood.” He handed it over, fingers brushing over Fili’s.

“Nah, though I’d just wait for the half-life to run its course then ship it to the nearest biomedical hazard dump.” Kili struck a line through dumb. He sounded more than smart enough for Kili, who granted was no student.

_…yeah. Kili is a bit easily impressed here. But I wanted to keep them IC and neither of them are brain trusts. I think I wrote them a bit smarter than their shown to be in the movies._

Fili took two bottles of Guinness from the bartender. Then he set his thumb under the cap of one of the bottles and popped it straight off.

“Fucking hell.” Kili swallowed.

“My party trick.” Fili grinned and handed the bottle to Kili, then gave his own the same treatment. It was just as impressive the second time around.

_I hadn't written the second half of the fic yet when I posted and titled it 'Party Tricks'. The title doesn't much fit the second half, but I like it anyway._

“That’s...how many bottles did you break learning do that?”

“A few.” Fili took a long swallow of his beer, Kili watching the stubbled line of his throat. “So. Bofur. Also a nickname?”

“Yeah, course. Bobby and Billy Furhman. Bofur renamed himself first, then his brother, Bifur. Everyone took to it, so he thinks he has permission to retitle anyone he deems worthy.” Kili finally took a sip of his beer and it was dark heaven compared to the cocktail. “He must like you. Where’d he find you?”

“Didn’t find me, really.” Fili held up his wrist to show off a nice looking watch, heavy and broad stainless steel. “Family heirloom. Stopped ticking a week ago and one of my coworker’s recommended The Forge for repairs. Bofur got it working good as new.”

_So Bofur is actually a toymaker, but I put him in clockwork for this story. I made up for it by starting another Modern AU about his toy store, so I think it evens out._

That didn’t mean Fili wasn’t a project, but it was a good sign.

“Then he told you about the Hills as a hot spot?” Kili gestured around at the filling, but hardly packed bar.

“It came up. Turns out my coworker knew Bofur from way back or something. Guess they talked and Gloin wound up taking me along tonight.” Fili shrugged. “Couldn’t see a good reason to say no. I haven’t met many people here yet.”

“Oh, so new to the city?”

“Few months. You?”

“Lived here on and off for my whole life.” Which was as much detail as Kili told anyone he’d just met. “I love it most of the time.”

_The off would be during his time in the group home. It was still technically in the city, but closer to Queens, so Kili doesn't count it._

“I can see why. I miss open spaces sometimes. I grew up in a rural area. Lot of green and even more sheep.”

“Right. New Zealand?”

“Yeah!” Fili’s smile brightened. “Most Americans think I’m Australian. Or English.”

“I don’t want to brag,” Kili dropped his voice, “but I watched a lot of Xena growing up.” 

_Originally this story was going to take place in Ireland, so I could retain Kili's accent, but it quickly got too complicated trying to figure out where everyone would be from, why the moved way and also, I just don't know Ireland that well. So Kili is American and I got to set it somewhere I know pretty well._

“Really.” Fili pressed his lips together as if to hold back laughter. “Whatever it takes, I guess.”

“Long way to come from-”

A trilling ring issued from Fili’s pocket.

“Shit. Sorry.” Fili fumbled in his pocket and came up with a cell. He jammed at the screen impatiently, tucking his hair over his ear before bringing the phone to it. He had nice ears, Kili decided. Then immediately wished for a brick to bludgeon his own brains in. “What do you want?”

Kili sipped his beer, watching as Fili pinched his nose and nodded a little as if the person on the other end could hear him. Then he hung up with a sigh.

“So my idiot roommate locked himself out of our apartment.” Fili tipped back his beer and finished it in two long gulps, then set the empty on the bar. “Gotta go.”

“Oh.”

Don’t go. Kili nearly said. Only, I think I’ve been waiting for you for a long time and-

_Foreshadowing!_

“Can I have your number?” Fili asked.

“Yes.” Kili answered far too quickly. “Yes, you can have all of them.”

“Thanks.” Fili laughed. “Guess one wouldn’t really do me.”

Kili rattled off his number, watching Fili program it into his phone.

“If you call during the day, I might not hear it right away.” Kili warned. “But I will call you back as soon as I do.”

“Noted.” Fili held out his hand again. “Really was great to meet you.”

“Yeah.” Kili took the hand, but only used it to draw Fili a little closer so he could brush a kiss over his cheek. “Really great.”

“Heh.” Fili took a step back, looking a little flushed. “Right. I...have to go. But. Phone. I’ll call.”

“Just remember no one actually believes in that three-day rule bullshit!” Kili called after him as Fili retreated to the door. Fili just waved and then he was gone.

_The three day rule is total bullshit. If you dig someone, call them._

“Smooth.” Bofur was suddenly behind him and Kili nearly jumped out of his skin. “Think you scared him back to straight.”

“Oh, shut up.” Kili sucked down the rest of his beer. “...you don’t really think I freaked him out, do you? It was a cheek kiss!”

“Lad, a kiss on the cheek from you makes some boys collapse in a faint.”

“That was once and he was hypoglycemic.” Kili buried his face in his free hand.

_Yet later, it's Kili that gets a little dreamy over their first kiss._

“There, there. It’ll be fine. Either he’ll call or he won’t. No use worrying over it.” Bofur handed him a shot glass with four different colored layers. “Now toss this back and get back to my birthday party.”

By the end of the night, they were all a little too merry and Bofur had collected several gorgeous admirers as always. Not that he’d take any of them home. A romantic at heart, Bofur never did take advantage of his near supernatural powers of pulling. And he was still wearing the damn hat.

“None of them ‘The One’?” Kili teased gently as they eased out into the bitter night amid many disappointed farewells.

“Nope.” Bofur laughed. “Nice boys, but not for me.”

“Gotta be someone out there for you.”

“There is. But I don’t mind waiting for him.” Bofur blew out a stream of air, watching the vapor form in the cold air then dissipate. “Made a lot of good friends looking for him anyway.”

_FORESHADOWING. My god I was unsubtle when I see it all laid out like this._

They got home in one piece. Kili was too tired and drunk to do more than take off his clothes and fall face first on the bed. The next morning, he indulged his hangover with copious water and then shoved off to the shop. It might be Saturday, but there was always work to be done and he got paid by the finished piece rather than hours in.

He didn’t let himself think about Fili. What was the point of waiting for a call that probably wouldn’t come? Tables were easy. The table just wanted to be re-stained and resold to someone that would use it to hold up plates. Tables didn’t have fantastic smiles or eyes the color of the ocean. Tables didn’t take down a number out of courtesy and then never ring.

“You don’t buy me beer though.” Kili informed the table leg before noon. “Or look like every wet dream I’ve ever had.”

The table, thank God, did not respond.

_If it did, this would be a very different fic._

He spent the afternoon making a new leg for a broken chair, singing every one of Bofur’s folk songs. Kili liked a lot of music, but those melodies were the only ones he could remember when he was stressed. Halfway through the ballad of Sweet Molly Malone, his phone took pity on him and rang.

“Probably Bofur.” He told his quickening heartbeat as he drew the phone from his pocket. Unknown Caller flashed across the screen. “Telemarketer.”

With a deep breath, he pressed answer, “Hello?”

“Kili? Hi. It’s Phil...Fili now, I guess.”

“Hi.” Kili let out a giddy breath. “I can call you Phil if you want.”

“No. Fili’s good.” Someone shouted in the background of the call. There was a muffling and the sound of Fili shouting something back. “Sorry. I’ve got to make this quick. I got called into work, but I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t taking your warning seriously.”

“My what?”

“Three day rule.” Fili reminded him. “You’re right. It is bullshit. So I’m wondering how you feel about Greek food.”

“I like gyros. I don’t think I’ve had much else.” He rubbed his suddenly sweaty palms on his pants. “Always willing to try something new though.”

“Adventurous, I like that.” Another background shout and a huff of annoyance from Fili. “Look, what are you doing tonight?”

“I...nothing really.”

“Good. How does seven sound? Tell me where you live and I’ll come round.”

“Uh, I mean first date. Shouldn’t I meet you at the resturant in case one of us turns out to be a crazy stalker?”

_Kili's paranoia is pretty justifiable though that's not yet known here. He's seen people do ugly things and he doesn't trust easily._

“I’m only marginally crazy and the only thing I’ve ever stalked is a decent steak.” Fili laughed. “Come on, please?”

“Yeah, ok.” Kili gave him the address reluctantly. Bifur would probably give him hell over not being more careful. 

_This is Kili's projection onto Bofur. As we see later, Bofur doesn't really care about Fili coming over just what it meant for Kili._

Fili made a pleased sound.

“Oh, hey that’s only a few blocks from me. Ok. Seven. Dinner. See you then.”

“Bye.” Kili said, but the line was already dead. He looked clandestinely around the shop, but he was still alone. He jumped to his feet and punched the air. “Fuck yeah!”

The initial elation wore off when he was halfway home and the reality of it all sunk in. Dates were things that happened to other people. The last time Kili had shared a meal with someone he was interested in, they had been naked and just taking a break between round two and three. For that matter, the last time Kili had seen someone two nights in a row it was because he hadn’t gone home during the day.

“Fili asked me to go on a date. Tonight.” He announced when he walked into the apartment. Bifur and Bofur were sitting at the kitchen table with a checkerboard between them. “Please give me a step by step guide on how not to fuck this up.”

“Beurslf.” Bifur offered.

_I doubt Bifur's dated much, but it's pretty sound advice anyway._

“Yes. Well. I’m shitty at pretending to be other people. So I’m good there, thanks.” Kili turned to Bofur hopefully.

“You’ll sort it out.” Bofur smiled. “Worse that can happen is that you don’t see him again.”

A knife twisted in Kili’s chest.

“Right. No problem. Just a guy. No big deal.” He walked serenely into the bathroom, closed the door and tried not to hyperventilate. One shower and a self-pep talk later and he was back in his room.

“You ok, princess?” Bofur knocked a few minutes later.

“Fine!” He stared into his closet like it might eat him whole.

“Sure?” Bofur cracked the door. “You decent?”

“Boxer briefs count?”

_Bofur has held Kili's hair while he threw up, so really what's a little bare skin after that?_

“Good enough.” He came in, went to the edge of the bed to sit down. “Not going well?”

“If the words ‘I have nothing to wear’ come out of my mouth, will the mockery increase or stop altogether out of sheer pity?” Kili pulled out a pair of khakis, but they had a paint stain all over the left leg.

“Increase.” Bofur admitted. “I don’t think Fili will care. Seems like a down to earth guy.”

“Yeah, guess so.” He dug out another pair of jeans that only boasted a few rips and those were accidental rather than fashion choices. “I just..I don’t know. I like him.”

“You talked to him for five minutes.” Bofur rifled through a pile of laundry on the floor with the tip of a boot.

“I know. I’m an idiot or temporarily insane.” There was a kelly green sweater that must have been a gift as the tags were still on and it was more than Kili would ever spend on one item of clothing. He pulled off the tags and put it on. “Ok?”

“Yeah, you’re lovely.” Bofur teased. “Where are you meeting him?”

“M’not. He’s coming here.” He held up a hand. “Don’t judge.”

“You invited a stranger over?” Bofur’s eyebrows lifted upwards.

“Not a total stranger!” He protested. “And you bring people over all the time!”

“Sure I do. But you don’t. You don’t even let your friends in here if you can help it.” Bofur sounded almost gentle. “Can’t remember the last time anyone got into your bedroom that didn’t live here.”

_Kili has people that he hangs out with. Friends is probably too strong a term._

“I like seeing new places.” He’d seen a lot of other people’s bedrooms. Even more hotel rooms when his partner wasn’t interested in going home either. “Anyway. It’s not a big deal.”

“Right.” Bofur frowned. “You gonna run a comb through that mop? Looks like you went a round with a hurricane.”

“Thanks.” Kili said dryly and made his way to the bathroom for another round of attempted hair wrangling.

“Stahp.” Bifur commanded from the door. “Comsit.”

“Yeah, ok. What’s on?”

They watched an episode of Law and Order together, Bifur clucking under his tongue every time something unrealistic happened. The criminal was just cursing out a lawyer when the intercom sounded. Bofur beat Kili to the box, buzzing Fili in without any discussion.

“Deep breaths.” Bofur teased. “Aren’t you proud, Bifur? Our little girl is all grown up.”

“Hate. You.” Kili ground out.

The knock couldn’t come soon enough. Kili yanked the door open, prepared to march Fili back to the elevator before any smartass comments could follow them.

“Hi.” Fili said, a little shyly. “Hope I’m not too early.”

“No, you’re fine.” Kili opened the door wider. “You look good.”

He did too, another soft looking t-shirt with a black blazer pulled over it and a little more blond stumble gathered on his chin.

_Heavily based on Dean O'Gorman's look in When Love Comes. A movie you should watch now if not sooner._

“Now, you get him home before midnight.” Bofur handed Kili his peacoat.

“Yes, sir.” Fili laughed.

“If I’m home before midnight, it’s only so I can murder you while I still have an alibi.” Kili smiled sweetly at Bofur. “Sleep with one eye open, old man.”

“All right then, princess. Have fun!”

“Bahsaf!” Bifur called out from the couch.

“Go.” Kili mouthed to Fili. “For the love of God.”

Laughing, Fili retreated down the hall back to the elevator. Kili waited until they were safely inside and plummeting downward to let out a breath.

“Sorry. I should have known he’d do something like that.” Kili groaned.

“No problem. Kind of nice, actually. Having people that have your back at home.” Fili said a little ruefully. “I found my roommate on Cragislist and I wish I could unfind him.”

_Another joke that never quite went off. I was going to make Fili's roommate Legolas for the lols, but the story got more serious than that and it seemed like a strange insertion after awhile, so I never named him._

“You didn’t sign a lease with him or anything?”

“No, thankfully. I’ve been asking around at work, so I think I’ll be out of there soon.”

The elevator delivered them into the shabby lobby then out onto the street.

“What do you do, anyway?” Kili shoved his hands into his pockets as soon as they were outside, before his fingers could go numb in the cold. Fili had thick gloves on, black leather.

“I’m a metal fabricator. Thought it’d be hard to find work here, but turns out there are a lot of artists knocking around who need bronze and the like. Not too many people know metal anymore, so I had a few offers. What about you?”

“Carpenter.” He answered, happily for once. Usually the guys he went home with wrinkled their noses at his work. They usually weren’t the type that worked with their hands. “Mostly restoration stuff. I sort of fell into it.”

_I had to google so many jobs before I hit on one I liked for Fili._

“I love the smell of sawdust.” Fili said then groaned. “That was weird, right? Sorry.”

“No, it’s not weird. I love it too.” He realized Fili was nervous too and something tight unclenched in Kili’s chest. “So where are you leading me?”

“Not far. Five minute walk tops. I like Greek a lot, we ate it all the time back home. I tried every place within walking distance my first month here.”

“Greek common in New Zealand?”

“Not particularly, I don’t think. Just had a good place close to the house and neither of us were good cooks.”

“Who was us?”

“My Uncle and me.” Fili looked away, watching the traffic for a bit. “It’s just us, you know? Got a few cousins here and there, but he’s my family. Guess you’ve got tons of people.”

“Oh..oh no.” It was Kili’s turn to look away. “Bofur isn’t family. Well. Not blood. I don’t really...yeah.”

_Though Bofur and Kili met quite late in Kili's life, he does serve as his father/big brother figure. In a way, he plays the role that Fili did in their dwarfed lives._

“Right. No talking about family.” Fili decided. “Tell me more about falling into carpentry.”

It was easy to fill the walk with talk about trying college and failing out, but getting into the one class on whittling that he’d taken as a lark. Kili was still grateful to the professor that had let him stay in his class when the university had already told him that he wouldn’t be coming back the next semester.

“Never even thought about college.” Fili admitted and another hard knot of worry unraveled in Kili’s chest. “Learned metalwork growing up and it paid well enough. Didn’t like school enough to keep going with it.”

“I wanted to like it. Worked hard to get in, but it just...it never clicked for me. I liked listening to the lectures, but I hated the assignments. Maybe I should just audit some stuff, but I have no idea when I’d do it.”

_Lightly implied here was two things: one, you don't have to go to college to be successful. two, thanks to his interrupted childhood and possibly pre-existing learning disabilities, Kili really just could not do school._

“Eh. You can learn anywhere, I think.” Fili touched Kili’s elbow. “Crossing here.”

“Ok.” Kili tried not to be thrilled with the small casual contact.

The restaurant was packed, but the waiter squeezed them into a small table in the back.

“What should I try?” Kili asked, flicking through the menu idly.

“You have any allergies? Anything you absolutely won’t eat?”

“No allergies. Bananas are out, but that’s it.”

“Let me order for us then. Promise you’ll like it.”

“Well, if you promise.” Kili grinned. “Go ahead.”

Fili rattled off a list to the stern looking waiter and they were soon digging into a veritable feast. It looked like it actually might be enough food for once. Kili had never grown out of the voracious teenage phase and it delighted him that Fili ate with the same single minded intensity. Their conversation waned as they put away spanakopita, falafel and slices of tender meat.

“You’re ordering is acceptable.” Kili decreed when the last crumb had disappeared.

_My name is Vera and I have a food porn problem._

“Glad to please.” Fili leaned back, a tempting sprawl in the rickety chair. The hem of his t-shirt rode up just enough to show off a slice of pale, lightly furred belly. “Dessert?”

“Absolutely.”

Dessert was honey soaked pastry that had Kili licking at his fingers before he remembered that was generally not acceptable etiquette.

“Sorry.” He reached for a napkin. “Bachelor manners.”

“Don’t stop on my account.” Fili cleared his throat. “I’m not exactly a stickler for that sort of thing.”

If Kili licked his fingers more deliberately after that, then it might have had less to do with honey and more to do with watching the banked heat in Fili’s eyes. Maybe.

“How do you feel about explosions?” Fili asked around the last mouthful of his own, sadly less sticky, dessert.

“Real ones?”

_For the record, Kili likes real explosions too, provided they don't hurt anyone. He's watched a lot of Mythbusters._

“Movie ones.”

“Love ‘em.” Kili grinned. “Bigger the better.”

“There’s an awful movie playing now, but the effects studio they use is usually awesome. Should be maximum bang for our buck. Want to go?”

“Absolutely.”

Fili paid and Kili tried not to feel weird about that. He figured he could get the tickets.

“So action is in.” Fili went on as they started the walk to the theater. “What other kinds of movies do you like?”

“I don’t see many.” Kili hastily warned. “Not in the theater anyway. Don’t usually have anyone to go with since Bofur only likes romantic comedy and Bifur prefers television. But I do like action stuff and well. You’ll laugh.”

“Maybe.” Fili nudged him a little. “Come on then. Fess up.”

“I like Pixar movies.” He laughed at himself. “I don’t know. The stories make me feel good and I like the CGI.”

“Pixar is no laughing matter.” Fili said instantly. “Which one is your favorite?”

“I...” He licked his lips. “I, if I tell you do I have to say why?”

“No.” Fili lifted his eyebrows. “But I am really curious now.”

“Monsters Inc.”

“Really? Must’ve been a kid when that came out.”

“Subtle way of asking how old I am?” Kili smirked.

“Not that subtle, clearly. Just hard to get a read on you that way, that’s all.”

“I’m twenty-seven. The movie came out when I was sixteen, I think? I loved it.” He knew it was sixteen. He remembered sneaking into the theater and sitting in the back so no one would notice the strong smell emanating off of him or the oily tangles of his hair. He’d snuck in for the air conditioning, but the story had captured him at the time. “What about you?

_I wanted to put in a movie that would have meaning later on in the story, but I wound up choosing based on timeline instead. I did shoehorn in the movie later, but it didn't have the emotional resonance I was going for. Ah well. Live and learn._

“Thirty-one.”

_I tried to make their age differences match via dwarf years. I think I got close._

“No way!” Kili widened his eyes. “You don’t look it.”

“What should I look like?” Fili pulled a face. “Gray hairs and wrinkles?”

“Oh shut up. I only meant you’ve got a young face.” He hunched his shoulders. “Anyway, you’ve heard mine, what’s yours?”

_Dean O'Gorman is 36 by the by. Aiden Turner is 29._

“Wall-E.” Fili did the little robot’s voice, maybe unconsciously, as he said the title. “I feel a bit like him sometimes. Not like a machine...just you know.”

“Alone?” Kili guessed.

“Sometimes, yeah. And that....looking. Chasing after. I know that....” Fili shook his head. “Not exactly nice date conversation.”

_Can you feel that foreshadow?_

“I wouldn’t know.” The admittance came out without his permission. “First date I’ve ever been on. So you could make it up as we go and I’d have no idea.”

“What? Never?” Fili stopped dead in the sidewalk, annoying a young woman who went around him in a huff.

“Don’t go picturing me all innocent or something. It just never came up.” Kili took a step back to let another couple between them. “Come on, you’ll get murdered if you stand still too long.”

_Yes, you will. City people have no tolerance for slowness on the sidewalk._

“I just...how come?” Fili started walking again.

“I was having fun the way I was. I like clubs and parties. I wasn’t looking for the love of my life or anything. So...it never came up. Until now.” He tried to sound casual, but he knew it wasn’t working. “I saw you and...it was different. Right away.”

“Yeah.” Fili nodded, staring at the pavement in front of them. “I know what you mean.”

“But you’ve done all this before, yeah? One of us should know what we’re doing.”

“I’ve had a boyfriend or two if that’s what you mean.” Fili frowned as if the memory rankled. “Well. Two. Exactly. And the last one was an enormous asshole. The one before that was ok though. Just didn’t work out.”

_No idea who Fili's exes were. I don't think they have equivalents in the Hobbit world. Just two dudes, one of whom was apparently an asshole._

“I...you should probably know I’m kind of...slutty.” The word was slime on his tongue, but there wasn’t another one that worked better. Promiscuous maybe, but that sounded clinical and like he might be riddled with STDs. “You’ll hear it eventually since people seem to find it hilarious for some reason.”

“If we give this...us, a go, will you be ok with monogamy?” Was Fili’s unexpected response. Kili did him the courtesy of thinking it over.

“Yeah.” He glanced over at Fili, who was just looking back at him mildly. “I think so.”

“Then it doesn’t really matter does it?”

“No. Guess it doesn’t.” Kili could have kissed him right then if they hadn’t arrived at the box office. He did manage to pay for the tickets though.

It turned out that the Wall-E voice wasn’t an accident. Fili was an excellent mimic and used his powers for evil, making Kili smother snicker after snicker as Fili ruthlessly mocked the movie. Everyone shot them death glares when Kili’s laughter turned to wheezes.

_Fili is the type of person that makes you laugh without giving himself away. So you start laughing hysterically, get shitty looks and he's sitting next to you looking innocent as the day he was born._

“Thank you for saving me!” Fili trilled as the credits began to roll over the heroine’s adoring look at the hero. “I could never have escaped that overly complicated trap with obvious loopholes on my own!”

“You’re the worst!” Kili bent over double, laughing hard enough that tears pricked at his eyes.

“I know.” Fili looked like that cat who got the canary. “You going to survive?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” He took in a few deep breaths then wiped his sleeve over his face. “I think I pulled something though.”

“Poor baby.” Fili stood, offering Kili a hand up. He took it, pushing up from the seat. Then he decided to keep it. Fili didn’t object and they walked outside still hand in hand. “I should get you back home.”

“I don’t actually have curfew.” Kili reminded him. “All grown up here.”

“Yeah, but I turn into a pumpkin after midnight. Start dozing off no matter what I do.” Fili’s thumb started to rub small circles over the top of Kili’s hand.

“But I’m having fun.”

“So we’ll have fun again.” Fili glanced at him sidelong. “If you want?”

“I want.” He wanted a lot. “Maybe...do you like rock climbing?”

_I wanted Kili to have an active hobby. He's a guy that moves around a lot and would rather be doing than observing._

“Tried it once or twice as a kid. Wasn’t bad.”

“I’ve got a year pass to the Chelsea Piers walls. They’re huge. I usually go with a few friends on Thursdays, but they’ve all canceled a lot the last few weeks. Lazy asses don’t want to leave their warm apartments.” He missed the exercise, but it wasn’t the same going on his own. “We could climb, then grab something to eat after?”

“If you don’t mind me sucking at it.”

“Nah. I’m not an expert or anything.”

They talked details all the way back to Kili’s apartment building. Fili stopped outside the door, a strange half-smile on his face.

“What?” Kili glanced over his shoulder, preparing to head in.

“Come here.” Fili held out his arms a little, making it clear exactly where he meant. Kili stepped into the embrace awkwardly. “Fuck, you’re more than a little gorgeous, you know.”

“I..thanks.” Kili flushed though he’d gotten more articulate compliments. This one rushed straight to his stomach pooling warmly there. “You’re pretty hot yourself.”

Fili put his hands on Kili’s shoulders and used the extra leverage to close their height difference. The kiss fumbled at first, inaccurate and messy, but they worked it out until they slid sweetly together. Kili was acutely aware of Fili’s strong hands, soft lips and masculine smell. All too easily, he could picture tumbling into bed and having his sheets holding that scent in the morning.

“Sleep well.” Fili whispered against Kili’s lips, before dropping away and taking a few steps away.

“After that?” Kili touched his lips and felt his own too large grin there. “Guaranteed good dreams.”

“Good.” Fili walked backward a few more moments, eyes on Kili’s face before he sighed and turned away, sauntering off down the street.

Kili spent the ride back up to the apartment in a daze. Bofur was stretched out over the couch when he came in, lights off and the television painting fluorescent shadows over his face.

“You’re back early.” Bofur sat up, concern writ large over his face. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah.” Kili hung up his coat, so Bofur couldn’t see his dopey grin. “Everything is fucking fantastic actually.”

“Uh oh.” Bofur dropped back onto the cushions. “Do you have a crush?”

“Fourteen year olds have crushes. I have a perfectly reasonable interest in another man, who returns it, thanks very much.”

“Alright then, Jane Austen.”

“I’m going to bed.” He said with as much dignity as he could muster.

“Don’t forget about tomorrow!”

“As if I would.” He closed the door firmly behind him.

Though he hadn’t thought he was tired, Kili slipped easily into sleep. His dreams were unusual, filled with caverns studded in precious gems and rolling laughter. The details washed away when he woke, but the feeling stayed with him.

_These dreams aren't quite memories. I like the though that sense memory percolated up the longer they were together._

Before he could check the impulse, he reached for his phone and sent a text to Fili.

had very pleasant dreams. think you were in them.

The reply came quickly.

no need for pick up lines. already well and truly picked up.

Kili grinned and typed out:

not a line, but here’s one for you: can i have your picture so i can prove to my friends angels really do exist?

_Shout out to my other main fandom right now, Supernatural. I love when Dean uses cheesy angel pick up lines on Castiel in fiches._

He whistled his way into the shower and when he came out there was a picture text waiting for him. Curious, he thumbed it open and had to press a hand over his mouth to muffle the laugh. It was a blurry face shot of Fili wearing costume devil horns and an annoyed expression. It looked like an older picture, Fili’s already youthful face much younger and his hair even longer.

_It was from a Halloween party that Fili very much did not want to be at. yet the evidence of his attendance lives forever on Facebook._

“You aren’t dressed?” Bofur challenged from the bedroom door. “We’ll be late at this rate.”

“Keep your hat on, we’re not meant to be there until twelve and it’s not even eleven yet.”

Kili pulled on last night’s jeans then slipped his phone into the pocket. The hooded sweatshirt had a faded Trinity College logo emblazoned over the chest. It had been Bofur’s many years ago. When Kili had first wore it, it had hung nearly to his knees and he could fold his entire scrawny body inside. These days it nearly fit, only a little baggy around his midsection, but he still found it comforting.

_The sweatshirt was the first thing Bofur gave him when he brought Kili home._

And though he’d woken up feeling good, he knew he’d need the comfort of it by the end of the day.

“Here.” Bofur put a warm egg sandwich wrapped in a napkin into Kili’s hands. “Eat as we walk.”

“Thanks.” Kili already had the first bite in his mouth as they went out. Bifur was already waiting by the elevator looking mutinous.

“So lovely traveling with two smiling faces.” Bofur sighed.

Kili’s mood sank at they got closer. He made a point not to learn the names of locations of their Sunday rotations, but subway stops became embedded no matter how hard he resisted learning them. It was one of the churches today, the backdoor open for the volunteers. Kili accepted a hairnet and apron without a word, pulling them both on. A mountain of a woman with the dainty name of Daisy set him straight to the front lines with an enormous bag of Italian bread. A knife made its way into his hand and he set about methodically chopping the thick loaves into even pieces.

_I was nervous about introducing the homeless plot point. I didn't want to use the very real plight of the homeless for purely dramatic purposes. It was something I knew I wanted to use from the very first drafted idea of the piece though and I think it wound up working._

“Everyone ready?” Daisy bellowed a half hour later. “Doors are opening!”

The line of faces started shuffling by and Kili tried hard not to look too closely at any one of them. He put bread on their trays and smiled in the same distant way at everyone.

“Hello, Ciaran.” One of them said halfway through the shift.

_I wanted to give Kili an Irish name (especially in the first version when he was meant to be Irish) and something that Kili could be a believable nickname for._

Kili’s stomach clenched and he forced himself to look. It was Anna, her hair neatly back in it’s usual bun and her thick orange coat hanging unzipped over a floral dress.

“Hi, Anna.” He put bread on her tray. “How are you?”

“Getting by.” She smiled faintly. “You look well.”

“Thanks.” Guilt churned in his stomach. “Things are good. For me.”

“I’m so glad of that.” She reached out and touches his latex covered fingers. “You’re a good boy.”

Then she drifted off, carrying her tray to a table. It had been well over a decade since he had slumped exhausted at her side and she had put an arm around him to ward off any would be predators. He had tried to help her many times since, but she was fiercely independant.

_Anna originally had a longer scene here, but it felt too much like playing for pathos._

“You alright?” Bofur sidled up to him, carrying an impossibly large tray of steaming broccoli.

“Fine.” He flashed a tight smile.

“Almost done anyway. Pizza for dinner?”

“Sure.” He turned back to his work, piece of bread for every tray. Once a month for ten years, he should be used to it. Should be happy to come and pay it forward. Instead it just made him tired and melancholy.

_Sometimes volunteering is hard. It's good and it's right, but it isn't always easy or uplifting like they like to show in media. I think for Kili, carrying all the baggage he is about it, it would be doubly difficult._

The kitchen started closing down at three. Kili dried trays and stacked them, while happy conversation flew over his head. It wasn’t until everything was done and they were on the subway he thought to check his phone. No one usually called on Sundays, but he was itchy and it was something to do with his hands.

One new text message. From Fili.

am useless today. keep thinking about you and forgetting what im doing

“Look at that!” Bofur laughed, elbowing Bifur. “Is he blushing?”

“Mm.” Bifur’s crooked smile hung loose on his lips.

“I’m not with you.” Kili decreed, turning his back to them as he replied.

its sunday, day of sleeping in and brunch. useless=fine. thinking of you too. It probably wouldn’t send until they were topside again, but he watched the progress anyway.

“I’m hurt.” Bofur sighed melodramatically. “Wounded even.”

“We should get pepperoni.” Kili decreed, leaned against Bofur. “And peppers.”

“If you want, princess.” Bofur put an arm around Kili’s chest, dragging him a little closer. “Long as it isn’t pineapple.”

It was the happiest Kili had ever been on a soup kitchen afternoon.

The next day should be back to work, back to head on straight, but the first thing he did when he woke up was text Fili:

you tired? cause you were running through my mind all night.

Halfway through toast, his phone buzzed and produced:

thought it was weird that i woke up with a leg cramp

_Rule of thumb: if your joke doesn't make you laugh? Probably won't make anyone else laugh either. Then again, maybe this just made me laugh! I like the cheese._

And then they were off and running. Throughout the day, Kili had to set down whatever he was working on to read and respond. The others started to notice and he got good natured jibes over lunch and exaggerated winks every time he reached into his pocket.

what time do you finish? Fili sent at four.

should finish this bureau. hour or two.

thinking thursday is very far away. meet me for dinner?

They met at Gio’s and Kili introduced Fili to the best calzones in the world. Everything was fantastic. They cracked each other up, talked about food, work and the city. When Fili admitted that he hadn’t played tourist yet, Kili feigned horror and promised to take him to the Empire State Building.

“Wish I could stay longer, but it’s an early morning tomorrow.” Fili decreed when they’d already been sitting for two hours. He got up, stopping in front of Kili’s chair. “Thursday, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kili smiled up at him and accepted another brilliant kiss. “Sweet dreams?”

“Seems to be you having those, not me.” Fili teased, dipping in for another kiss that lingered. “G’night.”

Tuesday and Wednesday went by with painful slowness. Regretfully, Kili cut off the endless text conversations in favor of making a living. Fili agreed that his boss was starting to look at him funny so best to keep it to after hours. All day Thursday, Kili turned his attention to wholesale construction. He like making new pieces, but there wasn’t as much call for them. When a commission came in for end tables, he jumped on it. The money was good and it didn’t hurt that he needed the distraction.

They’d agreed to meet outside the shop and travel there together. Kili had planned on bringing things to a close around five, but at four fifty a creeping sensation came over him. He turned off his iPod and turned.

“Don’t stop on my account.”

Fili leaned in the doorway, a gym bag at his feet. His hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. A few curls had already escaped to hang loose around his face. For the first time, Kili realized that to anyone else Fili was probably nothing special. Maybe handsome or interesting, but not a male model or anything. He was gorgeous to Kili. It was in the set of his shoulders and the ready smile lingering on his lips.

_Though clearly Dean and Aiden are both good looking men, what I was getting at here is how that initial lust you get with someone makes them obesely perfectly beautiful to you sometimes. I wanted Kili to be self-aware that Fili isn't the most beautiful man on earth, just the most beautiful to Kili._

“You’re early.” Kili said because I think I’m in love with you and I’d like very much to buy a house and a dog and live with you for the rest of my life would have sounded insane. “Been standing there watching long?”

_I was trying to avoid the insta-love trope and mostly failed. I'm ok with that. My excuse is that they knew each other in a former life. *nods sagely*_

“You’re good with your hands.” Fili pushed off the doorframe, coming alongside Kili. “Thought you restored pieces? This is new.”

“Mostly restoration.” Kili started to clean up the work area. He was definitely done for the day. “If I get lucky, I get to make something. I’m not much an artist, so I don’t the real complicated stuff.”

“I’d defend your honor, but I really don’t notice furniture. You could be the Michelangelo of dining room sets and I’d have no idea.” Fili admitted. “I like the look of this though.”

“It’s only half-done, but thanks.” Kili closed up a toolbox and swept up a stray pile of shavings. “Ready?”

Rock climbing wasn’t a great activity for talking, but it didn’t matter. They shouted encouragements and mockery at each other with the ease of old friends. It didn’t hurt that the view was spectacular. Fili in just a t-shirt and shorts, strong arms flexing as he reached for the next grip was a thing of beauty.

Dinner turned into drinks and by the time they reached Kili’s building, Fili was cracking huge yawns without apology.

“I thought the midnight thing was a joke.” Kili laughed as Fili yawned again.

“Nah. Guess I’m still on my Uncle’s schedule. Early to bed, early to rise.” Fili shook his head. “I think your Sunday mornings are fictional.”

“My what?”

_I know this is a small thing, a little line implying that Kili didn't remember what he said earlier, but I really like putting things like that in. We so rarely remember our conversations and something you said may stick with the other person while slipping entirely from your mind._

“Like you said in your text, sleeping in and brunch. Never done it.” Fili rocked a little on his heels.

“Now that is a shame.” Kili shook his head in despair. “Everyone should sleep late then go to some ridiculous cafe and have a pound of sugar or a bagel with lox and coffee and orange juice. It’s your given right as a New Yorker now.”

“Tell you what.” Fili reached out, fingers loosely circling Kili’s wrist. “How about you come over on Saturday night and show me how this brunch thing works in the morning?”

“Yeah-I. Yes. Are you sure? You seem pretty set on taking this slow.”

“Three dates in one week isn’t slow.” Fili laughed, tipping upward to brush a kiss over Kili’s cheek. “Come over around six, I’ll make dinner. Just don’t expect anything fancy.”

“Nothing fancy, check.” Kili slid a hand around Fili’s neck. “I think I can manage.”

With the promise of sex in the future, the last shred of shyness between them fell away. They kissed with Kili’s back pressed to brick and his hands slipped under Fili’s coat. He could have kept it up for hours if Fili hadn’t had to pull away to let loose another yawn.

“Sorry.” He said sheepishly.

“You best get home.” Kili decided, even as he mapped out Fili’s ribs through his shirt.

_'best get' vs 'better get' Best sounds a little British. Sometimes stuff like that finds it's way into my writing. I did live in England for semester and I watch a lot of BBC stuff. The stuff pretensions are made of!_

“Yes.” Fili shook himself, drawing away. “I’ll see you on Saturday?”

“Come hell or high water.” Kili assured him.

Excitement thrummed through Kili all through Friday. He turned down an offer from friends to go out, knowing he’d be too tempted to drink and wanting a clear head for the next day. Instead, he tackled the truly scary pile of dirty laundry that had built up in his room. Sitting in the laundromat, flipping through abandoned magazines calmed him. The ritual of folding and carrying his wardrobe back like a lopsided dromedary, he spent the rest of the night putting everything away and doing a bit of half-hearted cleaning. His whole life fit into the ten by twelve room and after a while there was only so much he could do to make it look neat without throwing out vital bits of furniture.

_Kili's room is probably about 10 x 10. His vital furnishings are the bed, the desk with chair and a chest of drawers._

“Friday night and you’re cleaning instead of dancing?” Bofur asked from the doorway. “Should I be concerned?”

“Didn’t feel like going out.” He filed away last year’s tax. Turned out there was a desk under all that paper. Go figure. “Got a date tomorrow night.”

“Another one?”

“Another one. Dinner at his.” He hesitated. “Brunch at Cafe Monde in the morning.”

“So I shouldn’t expect you then.”

“No.” Kili sat down on the edge of his bed. “I’m...nervous. That’s weird, right?”

“Lad, you’ve been playing for years. Now it isn’t a game. You’ve got every right to be nervous.”

“You never...you never really said. If you thought I was wrong messing around like that.” Kili didn’t dare look up. “I know we joke about it, but...”

“Wrong?” Bofur sat down next to him, the mattress dipping. “No. You’re a grown man and you know what you’re about. Most of the time.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Bofur knocked his foot against Kili’s. “The thing that I learned a long time ago is that what’s good for me isn’t good for everyone. You seemed to need it. The distance it put between you and everyone else.”

“Not exactly distant. More like very very close up.”

“Physically. But it keeps you separate from them. From anyone who might want to know more about you.”

“Maybe.” Kili allowed. “But I have friends for that.”

“How many of your friends know what happened to you?”

“I-” He signed. “None, you know that. They wouldn’t get it. We don’t talk about things like that.”

“And you don’t have to, but it’s what I mean when I say distance. You keep everyone, but me and Bifur at arm’s length. I know why and it made sense for a long time to keep yourself safe. I encouraged it. But you’re not a child anymore.” Bofur fell back on the bed, bouncing Kili a little. “I’m glad you’ve found someone. Try not to freeze him out to keep that fragile heart of yours safe, all right?”

_You don't have to agree with Bofur here, by the way. I liked the idea that he would encourage Kili to be insular, assuming that the boy would heal in his own time and reach out when he wanted someone. Also, there's a bit of greed there. As long as Kili doesn't get close to anyone else, Bofur is his primary relationship._

“It’s not fragile. ” Kili complained, but the advice sat right with him. He fell back to join Bofur in staring at the ceiling. “I really like him.”

“I know, lad. I know.”

_Bofur has clearly already made peace with the situation here, rationalizing away the incest by the fact that the boys have no idea they're related. And as far as he is aware, they aren't blood related this time around. How's that for a nasty shock?_

In the morning, Kili woke with an itch and decided to go into work instead of driving himself insane staying home. The shop was closer to Fili’s building anyway. He packed an overnight bag without letting himself think too much on it. If certain supplies made their way in, then it was only because he’d been well trained to bring his own. Couldn’t count on anyone to protect you, but yourself.

_Hard lesson to learn and not entirely true, but I wanted to show Kili's internalized fears. Also bringing your own birth control/condoms to the party is always a good idea._

The endtables got all the attention he could spare and he liked the way they turned out. Another coat of stain and they’d pass muster. When there was no more he could do with them, he went through smaller projects. If nothing else, dating had been surprisingly good for his wallet.

He set out a little early, but he didn’t think Fili would begrudge him a few minutes on either side. The sun sank as he walked, lights jumping on around him. The city hummed with life, restaurants slowly filling and stores emptying.

Fili’s building looked a bit nicer than the one Kili called home, but that didn’t require much. Kili pressed the buzzer and the door clicked open for him. Three flights of stairs later and he found the door to 4B propped open.

“Are you crazy?” Kili asked even as he walked inside. “You don’t leave a door open.”

“I don’t think the old women in 4A are going to break in to steal my ancient television.” Fili was standing in a galley kitchen, stirring at a pot. “And this was boiling over.”

“You are so not native.” Kili shut the door and threw the lock. “Where’s your roommate?”

“Visiting his parents.” Fili held out an arm without taking his eyes off the pot. “Come say hello instead of freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking.” He grumbled, but he did slide into the offered arm, dropping a kiss into Fili’s hair. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Fili poked at the pasta. “Keeps sticking together.”

“Olive oil.” Kili felt wise for once. “One squirt and one stir and no stick. What are we eating?”

_Should probably stir it more than once, but points for knowing to put in oil!_

“Pasta. Canned sauce. Garlic bread to heat in the oven.” Fili shrugged. “Behold the ends of my culinary abilities.”

“Good enough for me. Anything I can do?”

“Set the table? Plates over the sink, silverware in the drawer next to that.”

Everything was clean and neat if not particularly new. The table was Ikea chic, small, but efficient. He laid everything out and soon enough Fili was piling a heavy plate of pasta in front of Kili.

“You want a beer?” Fili asked, turning back into the kitchen to get the bread.

“Yeah. You gonna do your party trick for me again?”

“No need. Screwtops.”

They ate quietly as was becoming their habit and Kili relished the peace between them. He liked watching Fili eat in lusty bites. Someone down the hall was blaring Metallica. Filtered through the door it made for pleasant background noise.

“We’ve got to talk.” Fili said when their plates were clean and Kili’s good mood died abruptly. “No..no. Not like that. Fuck, don’t look at me like that.”

“No good words come after that declaration.”

“I want to have sex with you.”

Kili blinked. “Uh. Ok. I take it back. Those are good words.”

“I figured.” Fili rubbed the back of his neck. “I just...figure we should talk about it first.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m probably not what you’re used to.”

“What do you think I’m used to?” Kili asked, amused.

“Experience, I guess. I’ve only...two guys. I know what I like, but not so much how to deal with a new lover.”

“I’ve never had one.”

“What?” Fili blinked at him. “But you said-”

“I fuck a lot.” He forced the words out. “That’s not the same.”

“We’re two of kind then.”

“Where’s your bedroom?” Kili got to his feet.

“Eager?” Fili’s eyebrows rose up.

“No...well. Yes. But I have an idea. Trust me?”

“Thinking I do, yeah.”

They abandoned the dishes for Fili’s bedroom. Here, Kili could see traces of Fili unlike the rest of the apartment. Here were a collage of pictures of a greener place, a crowd of smiling faces. There were books too, a few piles of mystery paperbacks. The bed had been pushed to the corner to make more room and it’s plaid comforter had been neatly folded at the foot over clean sheets.

“Nice.”

“No, it isn’t.” Fili countered. “It’s awful, but it’s home. What’s your idea?”

“I think we should make out.” Kili sat on the bed, legs spread in an expectant vee. “Like dumb teenagers. Figure we’ve only kissed a few times, might as well enjoy the middle steps too.”

“Good idea.” Fili decreed, stepping between Kili’s thighs. “Very good idea.”

_Writing sex scenes is hard enough, I really cannot comment on it. I'll meet you guys down in the afterglow._

Kili had never gotten to make out like a teenager in the back of a car, but he figured it couldn’t be as good as this. They kissed warm and a little sloppy until Kili fell back on the bed, pulling Fili with him. Their groins rubbed together through two pairs of jeans, an epic tease that left Kili hard as rock. He worked his fingers under the hem of Fili’s t-shirt, spilling a contented noise into Fili’s mouth when he reached warm, soft skin.

“Makeouts don’t need shirts.” Fili determined, sitting up to pull the offending bit of cloth up and off. Kili ran an appreciative hand down Fili’s chest and stomach. None of it was cut exactly, but there was a trimness that came from hard work. “Arms.”

“Bossy. I like it.” Kili raised his arms, wiggling a little to help the process of his shirt’s removal.

“Why do you have a six pack?” Fili asked, looking a little dazed. “How do you have a six pack?”

“Rock climbing.” Kili reminded him. “And situps when I get bored. Problem?”

“That you look like a god? No. I think I’ll get over it.” Fili leaned down and licked a curious stripe over Kili’s neck.

“Again. Please.” Kili bent his head back, making a pleased sound as Fili complied.

“Can I bite?”

“Yes.” Kili hooked a leg around one of Fili’s. “I insist.”

The bite wasn’t hard, but it did chase over Kili’s skin like wildfire, alighting nerves. Kili ran light scratches down Fili’s spine.

“Don’t think we’re making out anymore.” Fili contended in an amused exhalation.

“Making out with intent?” Kili offered.

“I can live with that.”

It took a little doing to lose their jeans and there was a touch and go moment when Fili tripped over the tangle of shoes and pants. They lost a few minutes laughing and trying to free Fili from the mess of it, but somehow when they were done they were both naked and tumbling together into the bed.

“I’m going to blow you. Objections?” Kili asked, already sliding down the bed.

“Uh. No.” Fili watched him with wide eyes.

“Hold on.” Kili went to his bag and shuffled through it until he pulled out an unlubricated condom.

“Condoms? For a blow job?”

“Uh, yeah? Safety. Don’t you...” Kili stopped himself. Why should Fili know? He’d only slept with people he trusted. “I haven’t been tested in a few months. So. Condoms.”

“Huh. Ok.” Fili’s interest hadn’t flagged and neither had his erection. “Come back here then.”

“The good part?” Kili opened the square. “I get to show you my party trick.”

Sliding a condom on using only his mouth was a skill Kili had enjoyed learning. Fili seemed to appreciate if his choked off groan was anything to go by. This was Kili’s expertise. Anal took time, negotiation and often more privacy than Kili had access too. Blow jobs though were fun, contained and if Kili was giving, lasted about ten minutes tops.

There wasn’t much different about Fili that way. His dick was normal, not huge or pretty, but the right kind of thick. He set his hands on Fili’s strong thighs, kneading the tense muscle as he worked. Fili tangled one hand into Kili’s hair, but he didn’t pull or hitch up his hips. Kili sank into really enjoying it, catching the scent of arousal and filled up with Fili’s heavy breathing. When Fili came it was with a broken sigh that tugged hard at Kili’s chest. He liked that noise, the sweet relief of it.

With a practiced hand, Kili pulled off the condom and tossed it into the wastebasket without a hint of mess. Then he crawled back up Fili’s body and kissed his slack mouth.

“That’s...I can’t do that.” Fili rubbed his hands down Kili’s back.

“Honey, I’m good. No one can do that.” Kili slipped into the camp mannerisms he usually reserved for jokey flirting.

“Ugh.” Fili laughed. “Ok. Fine. So what can I do to make you feel this boneless? Unfair if I’m the only one.”

“Hands, mouth, whatever.” Kili rolled onto his back, stretching languidly. “I can get myself off if you’re done in.”

“Hot as it sounds to watch, I think I should do a better show of it first time out.” Fili traced a finger down Kili’s stomach. “How do you do it?”

“Like this.” He guided Fili’s hand down, curved it around his cock the way he liked it. “After that? Experimentation.”

“You mean you don’t know?”

“I mean you should find out.” Kili laughed. “What’s the fun in me giving it all away?”

“You really do like this? I mean. Of course, it’s sex. But you..have fun?”

“Sure.” Kili frowned even as Fili took an experimental stroke. “What? You don’t?”

“Not...I mean I always enjoyed it. But it wasn’t...you. You’re...” Fili leaned down and kissed him.

Fili turned out to be a quick learner, finding Kili’s favorite rhythm and discovering that kisses were appreciated at any interval. When Kili came, Fili tasted every sound he made. When he was finished, he took Fili’s hand and licked every drop off those calloused fingers.

“What happened to safe?” Fili asked.

“It’s mine. Not too dangerous.” He rolled over, pinning Fili down and kissing his eyelids, nose and mouth until Fili was laughing. “See? Fun.”

“What do we do for the rest of the night? I was counting on it taking longer to get to this part.”

“Hm. How do you feel about Law and Order?”

They watched two episodes along with the remains of the garlic bread. Garlic breath should have turned them off, but they shared it between them, kissing lazily on the commercial breaks.

As if on queue, Fili started yawning at eleven forty-five.

“See, that’s your first mistake.” Kili teased. “You give into the tired.”

“So how do I resist?” Fili rubbed a hand over Kili’s stomach, winding back up to Kili’s chest.

“I recommend strenuous exercise.”

The second round, they talked less and did more. Fili touched with more surety and with a broad smile as Kili made his pleasure at this adventurousness known. They didn’t bother with anything complex, just roving hands and a spectacular hickey for Kili that no shirt would hide.

“Damn.” Fili squinted at the clock when they finished. “You win. One twenty-five.”

“And now, you will sleep in. See? Easy.”

“Really? When was the last time you shared a bed with someone? Usually there’s thrashing and annoyance the first night.”

“Lucky for you, I am an angelic sleeper.” Kili used his own t-shirt to wipe himself clean, lobbing it the direction of his bag. “I’ve never had any complaints.”

“I snore.”

“No problem.” Kili yawned, pulling the blanket up.

“You’re the kind of guy that can fall asleep anywhere, aren’t you?” Fili didn’t put distance between them, only turned on his side and settled an arm over Kili’s chest.

“Not really.” He admitted, eyes already closing. “Only when I’m safe.”

_The truth here is that Kili doesn't usually sleep with the people he has sex with. He knows that he's a sound sleeper in situations where he feels safe, so he figures he'll be ok with Fili. And he is._

And that was the last thing he thought before he fell asleep.

Around nine, he woke to the demands of his bladder and Fili still lying close beside him. His sea change eyes were open.

“Been awake long?” Kili stretched, arching upward until his back clicked and then sagged content back against the mattress.

“Don’t think so. Few minutes.” Tentative, Fili reached out and brushed a lock of hair off Kili’s face. “I think I got your dreams.”

“Yeah?” Kili grinned. “What were they like?”

“Green, like you keep saying. And laughter. A lot of laughter.” Fili smiled. “Good dreams. I like that.”

“Let me up to brush my teeth and I can try to make some of them a reality.”

“What about brunch?”

“Traditionally eaten late to allow for morning sex.” Kili rolled up and over Fili, padding to the bathroom. When he came back, he held to his promise.

They didn’t get to the cafe until eleven which Kili deemed the proper time. Fili claimed to be past the point of starvation, but he relaxed into the chair at the small table and took to the quantity of food Kili ordered with relish.

_A good brunch place is a more spiritual experience for me than going to Temple._

“Ok. New York gets points for brunch.” Fili declared when their second round of cappuccinos arrived.

“Oh good.” Kili stretched out, their legs entwining under the table. “You know, for someone who moved so far to be here, you don’t seem that enthralled with the city.”

Fili went quiet, looking at some distant point over Kili’s shoulder. He waited, not patiently, but not willing to push either.

“I have a story to tell you.” Fili finally drew back, studying Kili’s face instead of the scenery. “But it’s going to sound...sort of unbelievable.”

_I had to change the details of Fili's story a bunch of times to make it even semi-plausible._

“Yeah?” Kili spun his mug slowly in his hands. “How about you tell me and then let me decide?”

“It’s nothing dirty or weird or scam-y.” Fili withdrew his legs and tucked into himself. “I’m on a quest.”

“Like...slay the dragon?”

_*tips hat*_

“No.” Fili didn’t laugh. “I’m looking for my brother.”

“Oh.” Kili pulled back too.

“It’s not...you’ll think I’m crazy. It’s a needle in a haystack and I don’t even know what the needle looks like.” There was sorrow in Fili’s voice, layers of sorrow. “Remember we said no family?”

“Yeah, but I think we can... You can. I’ll listen.”

“If I tell you this, maybe one day you’ll tell me about yours?”

“Um.” Kili twisted his fingers together. “Yeah...yes. I can do that.”

“Ok.” Fili exhaled. “My parents, they didn’t do well in New Zealand. I don’t know why. Combination of things probably. They decided to start fresh, come to the United States where they had some connections. I was four and they left me behind until they could sort everything out. I stayed with Uncle. It was meant to be for a few months, but it went on a year. And then the letters stopped. The phone calls...it was expensive then, remember? Maybe you don’t. Long distance phone calls like that used to cost a fortune.

“Uncle didn’t have much, but he tried. He called the police, alerted the embassy, what there was of one. Eventually, we were notified of a John and Jane Doe. Died in a car accident two months ago. Uncle flew here, left me with some even more distant relatives. When he came back, he told me I was going to stay with him forever.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” Fili pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. “I don’t remember them. Nothing. Uncle was very good to me, raised me like a son without question. Then when I’m eighteen, he sits me down...God. I’ll never forget any of it. He told me ‘You have a brother. Your mother was eight months pregnant and they were able to save the baby, but they didn’t know who your mother was. She didn’t have so much as a visa, neither did your father. The baby disappeared into the system. I’ve never stopped trying to find him, but there’s an ocean between me and answers’. “

“Fuck. That’s...Fili.” Kili reached over the table and tugged at the hands covering the face he was coming to care so much about. “That must have been awful.”

“It wasn’t.” Fili’s eyes were a little red, but he let Kili hold his hand and seemed to calm. “That was the weird thing. It made perfect sense. I’d been missing something, all my life. I thought it was my parents, you know? But no. I knew then that I had to find him. Took me three years to save enough to move and a few more to get up the nerve to do it.”

“You crossed the world to find your brother. That’s amazing.”

_You'll notice that he didn't do it right away though. Fili was more ambivalent about looking than he would have Kili believe._

“Not really. I just needed to do it. So I did.” Fili rubbed his sleeve over his nose. “I have nothing to go on, really. Old paperwork, no proof and most of the people Uncle talked to have moved on or retired or died. The trail is twenty-seven years cold.”

“I’ll help. Hell, if you tell Bofur, he’ll probably mobilize his entire, frankly very frightening, army of volunteers.” Kili offered. “Whatever you need.”

“You barely know me.” Fili shook his head. “I can do it on my own.”

“I know enough of you.” He threw down a few wrinkled bills and moved around the table to draw Fili to his feet. “Come for a walk with me.”

They spent the rest of the day in a long trek through the city without intention. The revelation stayed quiet, settled back into wherever Fili kept his aching longing. Instead of talking, Kili held Fili’s hand and led him down street after street. The cold finally drove them back to Fili’s apartment where Kili reluctantly gathered his bag back together.

“Thank you. For this weekend.” Fili said when Kili slung the bag over his shoulder. “I’m sorry I ruined it with the soap opera drama.”

“It’s not drama.” Kili pulled him close enough that their foreheads touch. “I mean it. Any help you want or need. Or if you just need to talk about it.”

“Where did you come from?” Fili made a soft disbelieving sound. “You’re unreal.”

“That’s my story to tell. Later.”

The walk back home did nothing to cool Kili this time despite the steam of his breath in the air. All he could think about was Fili’s red rimmed eyes and his naive trust. He had told Kili everything, laid it bare after knowing him only a few days. Fili trusted him.

“Fuck.” He kicked at a bottle left on the sidewalk, wincing as it shattered against a lightpole. Stupid. Making a mess for someone else to clean up. He reached the apartment too soon, bypassing Bifur’s garbled greeting and Bofur’s raised eyebrows. “It was great. Really. I’m just tired.”

His bedroom seemed smaller somehow, still safe and warm, but closed in too. A shower helped a little, leaving him damp on his own sheets, fingers tracing the bruise left by Fili’s teeth. No one would blame him for holding tight to his secrets. Fili hadn’t demanded instant reciprocity.

Kili could keep his silence a little longer. Or forever, maybe.

He picked his phone up from the bedside table and flicked through the week’s text messages. He’d never sent so many to one person. Never actually laughed out loud at a thin stream of letters. 11:13 said the white letters on the top of his phone. He got up, turned off the light and crawled back into bed. Then he flicked his thumb over Fili’s number.

“Forget something?” Fili’s voice filled Kili’s ear, tired vowels rounding there.

_Kili's story was one of the first things I laid out for this fic. It's more dramatic than I usually like to do, but it felt right to me. This was Kili without the support of his family and lost in the system._

“When I was seven, my first foster parents had to give me up. They always meant to adopt me but money got impossibly tight. I loved them.” He started. “I called them Mom and Dad.”

“Ki-”

“Don’t. Let me just...no one knows this. Bofur. Maybe Bifur knows most of it. But no one...no one I ever wanted to tell. You need to not talk.” He inhaled shakily.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“I do. I really..if I don’t do it now, I never will. I’ll put it off and off and you’ll never really know who I am. What made me. So listen.”

“I’m listening.” The background noise ceased, a television turned off. Kili could imagine Fili on the couch they had shared last night. Probably already wearing pajama pants and hair a mess from laying on it. A comforting image.

“They sent me cards and letters for years afterwards. Bill and Karen. I have good memories of them. Lots. I remember I was really happy. Normal. The next place was okay too, but there were more kids and less attention. I was a little wild, playing pranks and missing what I’d thought was home for so many years. At nine, they moved me again to an older woman, Georgia. She was nice too, but she couldn’t reign me in. I ran wild. A cop found me trying to buy beer at twelve and they decided it’d be best to move me to group home until they could find someone that could work with me.

“I stayed there for four years.” He pressed a hand to his stomach which rebelled and spun wild. Dimly, he was aware of Fili’s breathing and the faint sounds of the city. “I was small, skinny and I had a big mouth. The other kids put me in my place soon enough. I got kicked around some, called a few names. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was though. I mean, I was fed, clothed and looked after mostly. But I thought it was hell. The way you do when you’re a teenager, I guess. So no one loved me. There were worse things. Didn’t really know that then.

“I planned my escape for months. Saved up money from odd jobs and petty theft. I was an idiot. I ran away with three hundred dollars in my pocket and two extra pairs of jeans. I crashed on the couch of an acquaintance for a week while I tried to find a job that would pay a sixteen year old under the table. Turned out he expected me to deal coke in return for my lodging, so I left. The money dried up fast.

“I slept on the street for the first time in the middle of May. I couldn’t go back. I was petrified they’d send me to Juvie and I’d heard all those horror stories. I still think I made the right choice there, actually.” He remembered flinching away from every cop years after he turned eighteen. Hell, sometimes he still did. “I was lucky it was a warm year and I’d started off in Spring. I don’t think I could have done winter. I avoided shelters, Juvie fears again. I found a woman named Anna. She looked out for me some. Convinced me to go to a few soup kitchens to get fed a decent meal once and awhile.

“I hated it though. I’d wait until the last possible second to go in and I’d eat quickly and run off after. That was the routine I was pulling when Bofur found me. Standing outside, pressed against the wall and waiting for the line to go down enough that I could get in and out. I couldn’t tell you what he said to me or how he said it. All I remember is that it took him about five minutes to get me crying in his arms and another hour to convince me to come home with him for a shower. I still think he was crazy doing that. I’d been on the street five months by then and I was a mess in more ways than one.

“He put me in his extra bedroom. Introduced me to his brother. Said he’d help me get sorted in the morning. And I never left. Guess he’s still sorting me.” Kili swallowed hard. “So that’s it. That’s my story. Got my GED when I turned eighteen and no one had a right to me anymore. Tried college, found carpentry and my sexuality. And here we are. I...you can talk now.”

Silence. Kili held the phone a little closer, fear shooting through the terrible nausea. “Fili?”

“You need to come open the door.” Fili said calmly. “Speaking of security, your downstairs neighbors are really trusting.”

_Fili didn't even think about walking over. He was just up and getting dressed as soon as he heard Kili was upset. He guessed that whatever Kili wasn't saying about his family was big and painful._

“What are you doing here?” Kili was already on his feet.

“Turns out I can listen and walk at the same time.”

The living room was blessedly empty, so no one saw Kili open the door to a fierce hug. They stood, pressed so tightly together that not even light came between them.

“I can stay.” Fili whispered. “Just to sleep.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

They sorted themselves out in Kili’s bed.

“Why me?” Fili asked under cover of darkness.

“Because it was time I told someone.” Kili settled his head on Fili’s shoulder. It’d be uncomfortable in a few minutes, but right then it was perfect. “And I want you to know me.”

“I know you, Kili. I don’t know how, but I do.”

“Good.” Kili laid a hand over Fili’s heart, the steady thump of it a lullaby all on its own. “Can’t believe you walked over here in the middle of the night.”

“I’d have gone further for less.”

So would I. Kili thought. If you were the destination.

_And I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more…._

Chapter 2: May 2013

_Six months seemed like a decent time period for their relationship to have progressed to this point. Fast, but not ridiculous._

“Everybody up!” Bofur banged on the door as he stomped by into the kitchen, jarring Kili awake.

“Ugh.” Fili buried his face in his pillow. “See? This is why we should have stayed at mine.”

“Yeah, and then your roommate would have woken us up with more contemporary post-modern vuvuzela bullshit.” With one arm, he rolled Fili closer to him and kissed his shoulder. “At least here we’ll get breakfast for our troubles.”

“I’m going to work triple overtime.” Fili sighed. “Quadruple until we can get our own place.”

“Don’t work so hard I never see you. That’d sort of defeat the point.” Kili hid his broad smile in Fili’s hair.

They’d only started talking about moving in together a week ago, but it had already become one of Kili’s favorite topics. Of course, he’d miss living with Bofur and Bifur, but maybe they could find something close by and visit often. Certainly the privacy alone would be worth it.

“We do both have to get up.” Fili leaned in to peck Kili on the cheek, before rolling off the bed and onto his feet in one graceful move. “I have to straighten up my place a little before picking Uncle up from the airport. He’ll probably too jetlagged to notice a mess, but still.”

_Oh hey main conflict! Thanks for arriving! Thorin isn't really the bad guy of this piece. There is no bad guy. But he does bring in the main conflict which he's a great character for with his love of battle._

“Don’t worry too much over it. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you no matter what.” Kili reluctantly gave up on staying in bed, pulling on a pair of jeans and an undershirt. “He must miss you.”

“I know he does.” Fili rifled through the drawer of items he had finally brought over a month ago rather than tote an overnight bag around. “He’s just...larger than life. Anyway, we’re still on for dinner tomorrow, right?”

“Long as you want to introduce me, then I want to meet him.”

Kili picked up a black elastic from his desk and tied back his hair. It was long now, longer than it had ever been. Fili had commented offhandedly that he liked how it looked so Kili had kept on with it. It was actually easier to manage if he could pull it back anyway.

“Why wouldn’t I want you to meet him?” Fili hooked his chin over Kili’s shoulder, tugging at the ponytail. “He’s heard a million stories about you already.”

“New thing for me, meeting the parents.” Kili reached up to scratch at Fili’s facial hair. He liked the combination of mustache and goatee that Fili had been experimenting with. “What if he doesn’t like me?”

“You make me happy, so he’ll like you. It’s not like he ever expected me to bring home a supermodel rocket scientist.”

“I could be a supermodel.” Kili mimed flipping his hair and made a pouty face. “I’ve even got a walk.”

“Yes, dear.” Fili swatted him on the rear. “I smell bacon, so sashay away.”

_Ru Paul Drag Race reference! Damn I love that show. Kili totally watches it._

There was bacon, along with eggs and pile of toast. Bofur passed Fili a stack of plates as he walked in and Kili took out the silverware. Bifur was already settled and looked content to be waited on.

“Coming out with us tonight?” Bofur asked, piling bacon onto Fili’s plate. “Retirement party at the Hills.”

“Can’t. Quality time with Uncle. I figure I’ll give him a day or two to adjust before springing everything on him. Have a beer for me though?”

“Think I can manage that.”

Breakfast disappeared in a hurry. Fili gave Kili one last thorough kiss before heading out.

“Going into work today?” Bofur started in on washing the plates, flinging a cloth at Kili for drying.

“Nah. Thought I’d enjoy a Saturday for once. Go for a walk or something.”

“Could call up one of your friends.”

“Maybe.”

Most of Kili’s friends had drifted away like smoke when he’d stopped going to the clubs every weekend. Sure he’d take Fili out for a night once in awhile, but it wasn’t the same. It didn’t help that when he went now, he was noticing how young most of the boys were. He wasn’t old exactly, but somehow he’d grown up when he wasn’t paying attention.

When the dishes were done, he drifted back to his room and slide his iPod into his pocket. There was a paperback that Fili had left behind when he’d finished it. A mystery of some sort. Kili pulled on a hoodie and slid the book into the front pocket before heading out.

_The book was Black Echo by Michael Connelly. Fili likes noir style mysteries._

The sun struck him as soon as he stepped out the door, warm and inviting. Spring had started in earnest with trees producing blossoms and leaves at furious rate. The closest park had a generous lawn that was mostly empty this early in the day. Kili claimed a patch of grass and spread himself over it. The book didn’t much hold his interest and he wound up using it to shade his eyes more than anything else. Still, he was content to lay out in the warmth and think about nothing.

Right about when he was starting to consider lunch, his phone chirped a text message alert.

save me. uncle brought an old friend with him. its two against one.

should i send a st.bernard with whiskey?

send yourself, preferably with enough whiskey to put one or both of them in a coma.

Kili instantly felt chilled. thought you wanted to wait until dinner on monday.

will not survive that long. am not being dramatic. they keep lecturing me on how things were better the last time they were in the city, how people used to be more polite and the world in general sucks donkey dick.

ok. where?

at hotel, in restaurant. you are godsend. love you.

love you too

_They started saying I love you about two months previously, four months into being together. Fili said it first, just as Kili was waking up one morning._

There wasn’t any time to change if he wanted to ride to rescue, so Kili set out to meet the family in old jeans, a sweatshirt and unwashed hair. At least he wouldn’t be worrying about the meeting for three days. Instead he turned up at the hotel, feeling very much like he shouldn’t be touching anything in the pristine lobby and slunk through to the restaurant.

He spotted Fili’s bright curls easily. He was sitting across from two older men. One looked exactly like a stereotype of a professor with his voluminous white hair, tweed jacket complete with leather elbow patches and a pipe tucked in one pocket. The other Kili recognized from Fili’s photos. A stern man with a neatly kept dark beard and greying hair, eyes fixed on Fili as he talked.

Kili considered turning tail and running. Then he spotted Fili’s knee, bouncing wildly up and down. A sure sign that he was stressed. Kili pulled himself together, slapped on his best smile and approached the table.

“Sorry to interrupt.” He began.

“We’ve already ordered.” Fili’s uncle said abruptly.

_Though really Thorin, what kind of waiter wears a hood?_

“Good thing since I don’t think Kili’s much for fetch and carry.” Fili rose from his seat to greet him. “Sorry. Hello.”

“Hi.” He wasn’t sure how much touching was permissible, so he only pecked Fili lightly on the cheek.

“Uncle, this is my boyfriend Kili. Kili, this is my Uncle, Theodore Durin and my godfather, Dr. Grady Dolph.”

“Just Grady is fine, thank you.” Grady stood or rather unfolded from the chair. He was surprisingly tall and his hand eclipsed Kili’s in a solid handshake. “Philip has told us much about you.”

_I like the idea of Gandalf just showing up to the airport, ticket in hand and plopping down next to Thorin with no explanation._

“Enough to suit himself anyway.” Theodore eyed Kili up and down. “We weren’t expecting you.”

“I asked him to come.” Fili waved Kili in, so that he sat across from Grady. “I thought you’d be worse off for jetlag, but since you both seem well I figured you might want to take a walk around. Kili knows the city far better than I do.”

“You’re nearing native status.” Kili assured him. “You know most of what I know anyway.”

“Fili tells me you’re a carpenter.” Theodore leaned in across the table, looking Kili over. “Make a good living that way?”

“Decent enough.” Kili said mildly. “Always work at least. Which is more than can be said for a lot of people these days. I was accepted into the union a few months ago which opens up a few more opportunities.”

“Yet you still live with your father.”

“Not my father.” Kili glanced at Fili, who shook his head. Good, then he wasn’t destroying some fabrication on Fili’s part. “A good friend, but he’s hardly letting me stay out of the kindness of his heart. Rent is expensive here. A few roommates lessen the load.”

“And Kili. What kind of name is that?”

“Now, now.” Grady elbowed Theodore indiscreetly. “This isn’t an interrogation. You’ll run the boy off.”

“It’s fine.” Kili dropped his hand to Fili’s knee, taking solace from the touch which doubled when Fili’s fingers tangled with his own. “It isn’t the name I was born with.”

“Oh? What’s your real name then?”

“Kili is my real name. I changed it about two years ago.”

“And what first name was so terrible that you couldn’t bear to live with it?”

“Leave off.” Grady warned. “You told me to tell you when you were going to far? That time is now.”

“Seriously, Uncle. I don’t even know it.” Fili squeezed Kili’s hand. “Leave it alone.”

“Ciaran.” Kili spat out, fatigue sweeping through him all at once. He would fight a thousand dragons for Fili, but exposing himself to a stranger was worse. “Irish, I think. But I consider myself generic American.”

_Why does Kili give this information now? Because he's actually quite afraid of Thorin, an authority figure with an edge of anger. Kili doesn't want to acknowledge the fear, so makes it about pleasing Thorin to keep Fili happy._

“Ciaran?” Fili’s eyes widened, color draining from his face. “That’s...oh.”

“That is a very strange coincidence.” Theodore glared at Kili. “Very strange indeed.”

“What kind of coincidence?” Kili glanced between them. “What am I missing here?”

“Philip,” Thedore said gravely, “did it never even occur to you?”

“Why would it?” Fili sounded choked. “Who...why? What would the odds be?”

_That was the sound of the shoe dropping._

Grady coughed loudly, “Kili, walk an old man to his room would you? The jetlag must be hitting me late.”

“But-”

“Please.”

“Yes, of course.” Kili got to his feet, reluctantly letting go of Fili’s hand.

A cane that Kili had spotted before secured itself under Grady’s right hand as he rose. They walked together out of the restaurant, Grady resting his left hand on Kili’s shoulder as if he required the extra support. As soon as they were out sight, the pretense dropped.

“I apologize for Theo. Philip is his only family. He’s always been overprotective of the boy.”

“He doesn’t need to be.” Kili said firmly. “He’s so strong. I admire that in him.”

“That doesn’t surprise me in the least.” Grady pushed the button for the elevator. “Let me guess, the two of you met and had an instant attraction?”

“Well, yeah. Did Fi- Philip tell you that?”

“No, it was a lucky guess.” Grady’s accent wasn’t New Zealander. British, definitely. “Do you believe that there are some things are meant to happen?”

“Not really.” Kili knit his eyebrows together in confusion. “Why?”

The elevator arrived and Grady gestured Kili in. The pipe came out of his pocket, a small pouch of tobacco followed.

“I don’t think you can smoke in here. Or in the hotel at all actually.” Kili pointed to the small camera at the corner of elevator.

“Mm. Is that so?” Grady tapped tobacco slowly into the bowl of the pipe.

_Regardless of genre or au, Gandalf is still a badass and the rules do not apply to him._

“Look, are you going to tell me why my name is such a big deal?”

“You’re not a stupid boy.” The way Grady said it implied that was perhaps in question. “Given what you know about them, why do you think they would care about a name?”

“I don’t-” Kili stopped under Grady’s mild look and thought about it. “The brother? Really? I thought they didn’t know anything about him.”

“They don’t. Only a letter from Diane, that’s Philip’s mother to you, indicating that she was pregnant and intending to name the baby Joan if it was a girl and if it was a boy, Ciaran.” The elevator slid open just as Grady struck a match, sending odd shadows flitting over his face. “You can see why that might disturb Theo.”

“So what?” Kili shoved his hands into his pockets. “It’s just a coincidence. Do you know how many people there are in this city?”

“Eight million two hundred thousand, give or take a few, yes?” Smoke rose from the pipe, obscuring the stringent smell of cleaning products. A card key appeared in Grady’s hand, sliding in and out of the lock several times before the green light appeared. With an annoyed noise, Grady pushed the door open.

It was a nice room, the curtains pulled back to show off a view of the city. Kili gravitated toward the windows, relishing the spread of it below him. Maybe it was a city of a millions, but it was also his home and he felt he owned a small slice of it.

“Tell me about yourself.” Grady coaxed, settling into the desk chair. The pipe puffed on, a small grey-blue crown that lingered above the old man’s hair.

“Not much to tell.” Kili kept his eyes on his city, in all its’ familiar, familial glory. “You heard most of it down there.”

“Those are the facts. Tell me about you.”

_Clearly Gandalf already knows that Kili and Fili are engaging in an inadvisable relationship, but he also knows that they have no idea and it's already gone on too long to simply spill the truth. Plus Gandalf generally doesn't intercede in canon._

“I was born out there.” Kili crossed his arms. “Grew up knocking around those streets. I got lucky and met amazing people, who half raised me. Now I’m sort of grown up and I have Philip. I’m happy.”

“That’s an interesting biography. One might say a man who defines himself by others is lacking somehow.”

“Then they can fuck off.” Kili decreed, watching Grady in the glass’ reflection. “I’m only here because of other people. Left on my own I’m no good to anyone.”

“I think you’d be surprised. Why don’t you believe in fate?”

“I didn’t say that.” A stream of people came out of a building across the street, tourists scrambling onto the next activity. “I never thought about it. I’m not religious or anything.”

“But you have a gut feeling, maybe?”

The question hung there for a long time. Kili rubbed at his chest where a knot of anxiety was forming.

“You can’t tell Fil-damn. Philip this, alright?”

“As you wish.”

“I knew that I could love him the second I laid eyes on him.” Kili watched the tourists disappear down the street and wished he was with them. He would give a lot to be walking outside right now. “It’s insanity, right? You see a random person across the room and go all sixties’ pop hit about it. But that’s what happened.” 

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Grady took a long drag on his pipe, blew the smoke out in a long stream. “There are things-”

_Gandalf probably wasn't going to give anything huge away when interrupted, but I think Kili's depth of feeling provoked him to at least attempt to explain._

A firm knock interrupted whatever Grady was about to say.

“Kili?” Fili called through the door. “Still there?”

“Best answer that.” Grady pointed the stem of the pipe at him. “Remember this, my boy, stubbornness runs in your blood.”

“And how would you know that?” Kili turned to give Grady his best piercing glare. It had no effect. Fili knocked again.

“Go on then.” Grady made a shooing motion.

“...fine.” Kili opened the door to reveal a flushed looking Fili.

“Hi. So. Sorry my Uncle was acting like an enormous dick. He’s not really like that. Usually. I got him to take a nap, so maybe he’ll be less grumpy later on.”

“It’s ok.” Kili reached for Fili, needing the physical reassurance, but Fili shrank away. “What?”

_Fili is already 100% certain that Kili is his brother. Though we don't see his POV here, as soon as Kili said his name, a lot of things that Fili had been ignoring came to the fore. He always had very quiet suspicions, but was too happy to examine them._

“I have to...I mean. Did Grady tell you? Why your name was such a big deal?”

“Seriously?” Kili frowned. “There’s got to be a hundreds of guys named Ciaran in this city.”

“One hundred and fifty-two.” Fili corrected. “I know. I’ve met most of them.”

“How do you know that your brother even got the name? Thought your mother died before the baby was born. And even if he did, if he got adopted the family might have changed it.”

“It’s all I’ve had to go on.” Fili glanced back at Grady. “Look, can we not do this in a hallway?”

“You started it.” And it sounded juvenile even as he was saying it. “Where do you want to go?”

“Let’s get coffee? There’s a decent place down the street.”

“Fine.” Kili thrust his hands into his sweatshirt pocket rather than risk another rejection though he badly wanted to hold Fili’s hand. The book met his fingers and he caressed the broken spine. “Bye, Grady. Nice to meet you.”

“I doubt it was, but good manners are always appreciated.” Grady waved him off.

“I’ll be back in a few hours to take you out to dinner.” Fili told him, but Grady didn’t appear to be listening.

“He’s kind of weird.” Kili said as soon as they were safely in the elevator.

“Yeah, I know. But it’s a good weird. He’s helped us out a lot over the years.”

They didn’t talk as they crossed the street and into the small cafe. Kili hated it as soon as they walked through the doors. There wasn’t anything actually wrong with it, but the ugly twist in chest had tightened and he knew no matter how this conversation went, his geography would mark this location as one of pain.

_This line was a bit awkward, but I really liked the idea, so I left it._

“What do you want?” Fili asked, offhandedly.

I want to never have given in and told your Uncle my name because then we might be laughing right now over his interrogation. We might be walking through the streets, showing off the sights together and secretly looking for real estate ads in the neighborhoods we both like.

_There was an inevitability here though. No matter what Kili might wish, eventually the truth would've come out._

“Regular coffee. I’ll get a table.” He said instead.

There was an open one in a corner and he distracted himself by wiping off the remains of an exploded sugar pack. Fili set down two paper cups. They sat, facing each other and their feet nearly touching. It was the farthest Kili had ever felt from Fili.

“Ask.” He brought the cup to his lips, but the bitter smell soured his stomach still further and he set it back down without taking a sip.

“You said you had a summer birthday once. When?”

_Isn't it odd that Fili doesn't know Kili's birthday by now? Because he didn't want to know. If he knew it…well then that's just more evidence, isn't it?_

“August 29th, 1985. I was thinking of going away for the weekend this year.” He’d been surfing hotel sights, thinking of places that would be good for a few days spent mostly in bed. “New Orleans maybe or Miami. Just somewhere different.”

“And you’ll be twenty-eight.”

“Yes.” He couldn’t bare the clinical look in Fili’s eyes, so he dropped his gaze to his hands. One nail had a sliver of green under it from the park.

“How do you know? I mean...they gave you records?”

“They don’t just exile you without any idea of where you come from.” He ran his nail over the lid of the drink, watching the green come away on the white plastic. “Birthday, age. That’s basic stuff. Karen used to make me a chocolate cake...anyway. I know I left the hospital with a birth certificate that gave my name as Ciaran Doe. Bill and Karen wanted to adopt me which meant I would’ve been a Jones, but well. Didn’t happen. When I changed my name , I took on Bofur’s last name. Only one that ever meant anything to me. Kili Furhman. That’s who I am, Fili. That’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to be.”

“But you aren’t.” Fili’s voice cracked a little.”You’re Ciaran still, underneath all that. You can’t just...spackle over it and make it disappear.”

“Can’t I?” Fury coursed through Kili, mingling with anxiety and loss into a potent cocktail. “And who are you to tell me who I am? Because of one stupid coincidence? You didn’t care about my name last night when you took me to bed.”

“I’m your brother.” Fili slammed one hand down on the table. “You know it and I know it. There are one hundred and fifty-two Ciarans in this city. Of those, only six were viable. Six...I looked them all in the eye and none of them were my brother. But you...I knew you right away, didn’t I?”

“You’re going to base it on some crazy moment of lust?” Kili wanted to throw something. The coffee was too hot and anything larger would make this even more of a scene.

_The moment of lust that Kili earlier described as love at first sight. He knows now that there was something off, he just doesn't care. Kili wasn't invested in the idea of having a brother, so rejecting it now is much easier for him._

“It’s more than that.” Fili reached into his pocket and fumbled with his wallet. “It’s...fuck. I should have known. Look at this.”

The picture Fili thrust at him had the too bright color of age. A bride and groom stood arm and arm in a garden. Immediately, Kili saw Fili in them: the man’s wild blond curls and bright blue eyes, the woman’s smile and nose.

“Your parents?” His hands were shaking, Kili realized. The bride and groom trembled along with them.

“Ours. Look. Really look.” Fili scrubbed his hands over his face. “I was in such denial.”

“It’s not that good a photo.’” Kili did look though. Despite the coloring, he knew that man’s face. He recognized the cut of the jaw and the cheekbones. He knew the shape of the woman’s eyes and the dark fall of her hair. The mirror had shown him those features every day of his life.

“They died on August 29th. I have the coroner's report. The footnote about the live birth. She was still conscious at the scene of the accident. Maybe enough to tell people your name if not her own. It was a miracle.” Fili reached across, took the picture back without their fingers touching. “We’d have to do a DNA test to be sure, but...it’s all there.”

“And then what?” Kili risked looking at Fili, but Fili wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Don’t...don’t do this to me. Talk to me. What next?”

“Then we’re brothers. Means that I did what I set out to do, no matter how fucked it all wound being.” Fili’s knee bobbed up and down, up and down. “That’s what I wanted wasn’t it?”

“We’re not brothers. Swab my cheek, send it to a lab. Maybe it’ll come back and say we’re related, but that doesn’t make us brothers.” Kili couldn’t take his eyes off Fili now, staring at him like that alone would press home his point. “We’re lovers. Partners. We’re going to make a home together.”

_There are two ways to take the rest of this fic. Either you agree with Kili and nothing is wrong with them winding up together and the fic is mostly happy. Or you agree with Fili and see the rest of the fic as his moral erosion in the face of sexual desire and intense emotions. Maybe it's both._

“We can’t.” And now Fili’s voice did shatter. “You’ve got to know that. This changes everything. What we’ve been doing...fuck. It’s gone all wrong. We were wrong. What we’ve done...what I’ve done. It’s unforgivable.”

It had been a long time since Kili had needed to ruthlessly shut down his emotions. He’d gotten good at it over those hard years, sealing away anything that would give away vulnerability. Once it kept him safe from further catcalls and bruises, but right now he needed it to keep from breaking down the middle of this knockoff Starbucks.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” He sounded calm, composed. Three long even breaths. “Because I don’t have any interest in being your brother.”

“Kili...” Fili pleaded, but nothing followed the longing syllables of his name.

“I’m going to leave now.” He stood, fished in his pocket and threw down two ratty dollar bills, then added the stupid paperback for good measure. “For the coffee.”

“Don’t be like this.” Fili got up, reaching for him for the first time though he grabbed for Kili’s sleeve rather than his wrist. “You have no idea how long I’ve been looking for you.”

“You found me six months ago.” Kili gently extracted himself, determined not to punch the mouth that had give him so much pleasure and affection. “I wasn’t missing. And you weren’t missing your brother either. That’s always been bullshit. You’re just a lonely man with a tragic story to explain it away. And you know what? Fuck you, because so was I until I met you. And now I’m going to be again.”

“We could-”

“We’re not friends.” Kili cut that off at the pass. “We’ll never be friends. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing before I fall asleep. You’re the love of my life. Suppose I can get over that though.”

_Certainly Kili has gotten over worse. I wanted him to be a survivor. Even in the worst depths of his pain over their break up, Kili never doubts that he'll eventually make peace with it. It's Fili who is wrecked because despite the hard beginnings of his life, this is the largest adversity he's had to deal with on his own._

He walked out without any further encumbrance. It was his anger that got him home, pushing him on and eating him from the inside out. There weren’t thoughts in his head only a red pulsing cloud of fury. By the time he’d reached the apartment, it had burned away. He barely made it inside, slumping in front of the door. Everything hurt.

“Lad?” Bofur stuck his head out of the kitchen. “Thought you’d be out all day.”

“Oh.” Kili smiled crookedly. “Fili...fuck. Philip. He had me come meet his uncle a little early.”

“Take it that didn’t work out well.” Bofur approached slowly. “Kili, what happened?”

“I’m his brother. Ciaran.” The name was sour in his mouth. “I even fucking look like the uncle. And the father...I’m his brother and he’s never going to look at me the same way again. He’s never going to...I trusted him. I gave it all to him and I don’t think I’ll get it back now.”

Bofur gathered him up in a hug and Kili clung on like he was sixteen again. He wasn’t crying, couldn’t really, but his body tried and dry sobs broke up the full telling of the story. Somehow as he talked, Bofur got him to his feet and into the safety of Kili’s bedroom. He could still see the indent of Fili’s head on the pillow. Bofur rocked him gently.

“My poor lad.” Bofur was saying, soft nonsense until Kili could close his eyes and let out shaky breath after shaky breath. “My prince. My dear boy. So sorry.”

_Here we see the first traces of Bofur's guilt over what happened to Kili though it's subtle._

The words meant nothing to Kili. It was same recital that Bofur had wrapped him with when they first met. Kili would have vicious nightmares and wake to Bofur stroking a hand through his hair. It was soothing nonsense that Kili didn’t have the wherewithal to pick apart when he heard it and later forgot.

“What were the odds?” Kili finally managed to say, still clinging like a child. “Of all the people in this city, in the whole damn world. What do you call the opposite of a miracle?”

_No seriously, what is it? Because I looked around and couldn't find a good one. That's why Bofur has no answer._

“I don’t think there’s a word for that.”

“There should be. That’s what this is.”

“Don’t carry on. You’ll make yourself sick.” Bofur kissed Kili’s forehead. “Why don’t you come into the kitchen? I’m making cookies for tonight. I could use the help.”

What Kili wanted to do was stay in his room wrapped in his blankets and refuse to see the light of day until he died of starvation, but even in his head that sounded like a bit of an overreaction. He dutifully washed his face and hands, then went into the too bright kitchen. Bofur let him crack the eggs which brought its own violent satisfaction. When the first tray had made it safely to the oven, Bofur put Kili in charge of finishing the banner. It was for the retirement party and the paper print out seemed particularly pathetic to Kili’s grieving eyes. He colored it in with bright markers, trying not to feel like a kindergartner.

“What’s this guy going to do now?” Kili asked as Bofur hovered around the oven.

“Got a house upstate. Think he plans on fishing a lot. I know his partner has been nagging him to retire for years.” Bofur started in on washing the bowls. “He worked a lot of hours. Probably be nice to putter around the house together and enjoy whatevers left.”

“Yeah.” Kili resolutely did not think about a house on green hills filled with laughter. “Guess so.”

The cookies came out gooey and hot. Extreme emotion had never put Kili off food. Food was comfort, security and love. Something Bofur had known instinctively, shoving a much younger boy with the same broken heart full of spaghetti, steak and cake at every opportunity. Now Bofur handed Kili his own plate full of fresh cookies and a glass of milk.

“Thanks.” Kili smiled weakly.

“Don’t get used to it. I’m only coddling you because you look pathetic.” Bofur clucked. “Now go watch television until your brain melts. Should I come back early?”

“Bafine.” Bifur called from the couch.

“Yeah, we’ll be alright. Watch some tv. Cry myself to sleep. It’s going to be an awesome night.”

The television produced a bounty of CSI that Kili watched with his mouth full and his head empty. Everything seemed to reach him at half-speed as if the world had slowed. Bifur said little, only tossed a blanket at him halfway through the third episode.

“I’m going to go to bed.” Kili decreed when he realized he had no idea who the detectives were, let alone who the killer might be.

“Kili.” Bifur put a hand on his arm.

“Yeah?”

“Good. Boy.” Bifur pronounced as clearly as he could.

_I didn't explain why Bifur struggled with speech, but it was probably more like a stroke this time around than an axe to the head. That he should struggle to make himself clear to reassure Kili was important emotionally._

The hug Kili gave him was hard enough to crack ribs, but Bifur didn’t protest just hugged him back with a gentle pat to the shoulder. Then Kili retreated, so Bifur could resettled himself and return to gruff normality.

The bed was problematic and for a handful of seconds, Kili seriously considered stripping the sheets. But his other set was already in the laundry and he figured that sleeping on a bare mattress just so he could avoid the faint smell of sex and Fili’s aftershave was ridiculous. Instead, he settled on his usual side and made a conscious effort to stay there.

I was happy here this morning. He thought. Sixteen hours ago. It’s like a bomb went off.

Maybe it wasn’t surprising that he dreamed of war. A bloody battle field, the tang of copper in his mouth and Fili at his side. They fought through the mutated nightmarish enemy, but their loss seemed inevitable. Fili would die, Kili would die and the world would be overrun by darkness.

He woke, sweating and tangled in the blanket. The sun was already streaming in, cheery light doing little to chase away the horror. Without thinking, Kili reached for his phone and had a new text message open before remembering. It had become reflex first thing in the morning to send a message to Fili when they hadn’t spent the night together.

“Fuck.” Kili dropped his head back on the pillow. When he closed his eyes, he could see the dream painted vivid again. Fili ready to die beside him. Kili ready to die for him.

_Now that the experiences with Fili have taken a turn for the negative, it's not surprising that it's the end that comes to his unconscious mind. It doesn't hurt that it renews his determination not to give up on Fili._

Kili had never held a sword in his life. Or a gun. Or even a knife with the intent to hurt another. He wasn’t a soldier. Yet as he turned the nightmare over and over in his mind, what occurred to him was that maybe, just maybe, he was a warrior. He fought hard for the things he wanted. The strange pipe puffing professor had said stubbornness was in his blood.

Resolution took the place of sorrow. Determination cast aside loss. Kili was a warrior and he wasn’t letting go of his most precious treasure without a fight. He picked up the phone and typed,

changed my mind. not willing to just give up.

There was no response, but he hadn’t been expecting one. Instead, he showered and dressed, determined not to sink into a useless funk. The cranky desktop in the living room booted with some coaxing and the neighbor’s unprotected wi-fi became his for the taking. Reading was not Kili’s strong suit and research less so, but he had motivation on his side and a quiet Sunday for time.

Infuriatingly, what he found was a mass of contradictions. And porn. A truly daunting amount of porn. He waded through it all, making notes like he hadn’t since the first semester of college when he thought he might be able to pass history with sheer willpower and ink. Just like back then, a headache set in and he had to lean back in his chair to rub at his temples.

A brief pause for a sandwich, advil and feeling sorry for himself, Kili returned to the computer. He read back through his notes and then tossed them aside. His neglected email account opened to a few bits of spam and saved messages from friends. And Fili of course. Notes, links to videos one of them found funny and all the other electronic detritus of affection.

He opened a new message, resting his fingers on the keys. Stubbornness. Resolve.

_I wanted this email to be in Kili's voice. I don't think he was a strong writer, but he is very good at being direct and articulating how he felt._

From: Kili Fuhrman  
To: Fili Dain  
Subject: Read this or I will burn every shred of clothing you left here.

ok that’s a lie, but I wanted to get your attention.

i still love you. want to say that first in case you weren’t sure or something.

i’ve been reading all day (yeah I know, try not to die of shock) and here’s what i’ve found out:

incest is a taboo everywhere except where it might not have been at some point that gets argued about a lot. people who are raised together may or may not have some weird aversion thing to sex because they grew up together. a guy and girl too closely related will result in horrible birth defects. some royal families intentionally married siblings to keep bloodlines pure. in cases of sibling incest, one sibling is usually the victim and grows up with all sorts of issues from it.

theres more, but it was over my head and sounded like bullshit.

here is what i know:

if we’d never found out, no one would be hurt by it. except that you wouldn’t know what happened to your brother...so theres that.

i am not a fucking victim. i hope i never made you feel like one.

i love you. i know i said that already, but whatever.

we did nothing wrong.

Kili didn’t let himself read it over again. Just pressed send and then got up. At a loss, but knowing he had to get away from the computer, he packed up his workout clothes and went down to the Pier. He took on one of the hardest walls. Hauling himself up from rock to rock, muscles sore and skin soaked in sweat, at least he wasn’t thinking. Body over mind.

He didn’t bother booting up the computer when he got back. Instead, he poured his energy into making dinner. By the time Bofur and Bifur came home from Sunday errands, there was loaded baked potatoes, lemon chicken and steamed broccoli on the table. None of it particularly impressive in terms of prowess, but everyone seemed happy enough to eat it.

“Look what I got.” Bofur announced after dinner, reaching into voluminous pockets.

“If it’s another cd of the best of disco, you can toss it right back where it came from.” Kili warned.

“Don’t be more of an ass than you have to be.” Bofur handed over a dvd case.

“Monsters Inc!” Kili smiled turning it over his hands. “I haven’t watched this in ages.”

“Figured you could use it.” Turning to the sink, Bofur started in on the dishes. “Go get it set up, not like we’ve anything else to do tonight.”

Maybe he was a kindergartner. The movie made him feel better, even though he’d seen it dozens of times. Boo and Sully and Mike were familiar friends by now and there was something to be said about the simple lesson of laughter being stronger than fear, even if Kili couldn’t always hold onto it.

_Still wish I'd chosen another movie._

“Cute.” Was Bofur’s less than enthused response, but Kili wasn’t expecting much more.

“Yeah.” Kili shrugged. “Thanks though. How long can I expect the good treatment anyway?”

“Over and done with.” Bofur levered himself up. “More than two days and you’ll get bratty and demanding.”

“You’re a dick.” Kili announced with satisfaction.

_Bofur affirms Kili way of dealing. Short period of moping then back into normal action._

“You got it, princess. Now go to bed before you get shadows under your pretty eyes.”

“In a minute.”

When Bofur and Bifur were safely in their rooms, Kili woke the computer and refreshed his e-mail. Nothing. Of course. Sleep seemed substantially less likely after that. He lay in bed though, to put up the pretense. His phone sat dormant next to him and the pillow beside him stayed stubbornly empty.

Maybe this really was going to be life from here on out. His life without Fili. He would find another lover eventually. Someone that he would never let as far in, just in case. At least he wouldn’t be alone. And someday he’d stop feeling hollowed out. He knew that. Heartbreak was temporary.

He sat back up in bed, dropping his face into his hands and bringing his knees up to his aching chest. This would all be the past one day. Another story. Another scar.

Almost unconsciously, he picked up his phone and ran his fingers over the keys, but there was nothing left to say. He fell asleep, the phone clutched loosely in his hand, dreamed again of the battlefield and woke before his alarm with a neck cramp in the morning.

Work. He put his feet to the floor and levered himself up. Two days without was indulgence enough. Industry. Body over mind. Jeans. Black t-shirt with holes at the hem and blue paint speckled over the front. Step by step, Kili put himself together and got out of the house before anyone else could wake.

Early morning joggers passed by him on the street. A man in an apron, still half-asleep, ran a hose over the sidewalk. The strong smell of coffee filtered out from cafe after cafe. Kili tried to pay attention to the details that usually occupied him, but it was impossible.

The shop was worse. He had never had so many near misses in one day, even when he was first starting out. Tools skittered out from under his grip, two by fours split without just cause and he almost lost two fingers to the table saw. By six, he’d finished one job in the time it usually took him to do three. Frustrated, tired and still sucking out a splinter that had wound up in his wrist somehow, Kili gave in and started home.

The sky was a deep orange as if the setting sun had lit the clouds on fire. Kili watched it shift and writhe as he walked. The days were getting longer again, the promise of summer lingering in every breath of warm air. Yet it was still cold enough to prickle over his exposed arms and make him regret leaving his jacket at home.

_There's that pesky sun again! I will never stop writing sun imagery._

He rounded the corner and froze. There was someone sitting on the steps up to his building. He sat crumpled up, elbows to knees and face buried in his hands. Kili stared his full, taking in the gold hair catching the last of the sun and the curve of the strong back. Without allowing himself to hope, he took the last dozen steps with deliberate care until he stood before Fili.

“This is why you never give people your address.” Kili said lightly though everything in him was screaming. “Stalker central.”

Fili started, hands falling away. He looked awful: pale, dark circles under his eyes and hair in tangles. The expression on his face was one Kili had never seen. It looked like complete devastation.

“Hey.” Kili frowned, dropping into a squat so he could put his hands over Fili’s. For a brief moment, he forgot everything that had happened and all he wanted was to offer solace. “What’s wrong?”

Fili made a pained, choked sound, but he didn’t thrust Kili away. Instead their hands linked solidly together in a grip almost painfully tight.

_This was another image I had in my head almost from the beginning. Fili sitting on the stoop and Kili before him. Sorting out their relationship in this threshold space._

“I dreamed you died.” Fili finally said, bringing their joined hands to his lips. “Two nights in a row. I watched you die. And I spent all day today thinking ‘if it happens a third time, then it’ll be real’ like a child.”

“I’m not dead.” Kili assured him. “Look. Still breathing. A dream can’t kill me.”

_It can't. I didn't want the dreams to be magical, just unconscious memories surfacing._

“No, but I can, can’t I? Not actual death, but I can cut you out of my life.” Fili studied Kili’s face, searching though for what Kili didn’t know. “I could go back to New Zealand and write off my year in New York.”

“You could.” Kili tried to sound calm.

“And I’ll lose you.” Fili let go and Kili felt bereft all over again, hands left empty and hanging in midair. “I’ll never know if you remembered to eat lunch or liked a movie or saw something funny on your walk home or if you finally decided to grow your beard or if you’re happy or hurt or dying or fucking. All those things, I’d lose them.”

“Yes.” Kili agreed because there was nothing else to say to that. He had his own catalogue of loss already building in his head. All the things that would never happen again.

“You were right. About a lot of things, really, but what you said about me being a lonely person. I’ve waited my whole life to feel a part of something.” Fili sounded scraped raw and bleeding. “I had this idea that I would find my brother and it would all make sense somehow.”

_The imperative to find his brother might be a leftover from their last life, but it might also really be exactly what Kili named it. A lonely man looking for performance._

“I’m sorry.” Kili drew back, wishing he could disappear entirely. “I wish you could have had that.”

“But I did.” Fili reached out, two fingers hooking under Kili’s chin until their eyes met. “I met you and it all made sense. My whole pathetic life. I didn’t need a big plan or a quest. I just needed you beside me.”

_Although arguably that was the end of his quest. He was looking for someone to give his life more purpose and make him feel like he belonged to someone. Kili fulfills both._

“Why are you doing this?” Kili asked, broken glass in his throat. “Why can’t you just leave me to lick my wounds?”

“I’m not leaving you.” Fili’s fingers slipped from Kili’s chin to the back of his neck. “Ciaran Dain is dead, I know that now. I can’t say that I won’t mourn him, but I can accept that he’s gone. He’s my past. You’re my future.”

“Oh.” Kili blinked. “Wait. What?”

“I’m saying that even though it’s weird and probably against whatever god you can think of, I want you. I want to find an overpriced closet of an apartment and share it with you.” Fili watched him carefully. “If you’ll still have me.”

“What about your uncle?” Kili wanted to believe it, but the wedge driven between them would not so easily be removed.

“I’ll talk to him.” Fili said firmly. “If he doesn’t understand...there’s not much I can do about that. But he’ll only be here a few more days and back across the world.”

“And what happens when you wake up one morning and realize that I’m your brother all over again? Can you live with yourself?”

“Can you?” Fili raised his eyebrows. “Why am I the only one struggling with that?”

“Because I can’t bring myself to give a damn.” Kili admitted. “I’m not good with grey areas.”

_This probably gives Kili a little more credit for insight than he might have about this, but I wanted to get at this point and explain why Kili didn't care._

“Grey areas?”

“Here’s my entire morality: Stay alive. Grab happiness and food whenever it comes by. Don’t hurt others if you can help it. Say you’re sorry if you can’t. That’s it. That’s what I live by.” Kili shrugged. “If you want me to cry over this or wallow in guilt, it just isn’t going to happen.”

“You’re unbelievable.” Fili’s smile was a slow liquid thing and it warmed Kili in places he hadn’t noticed go cold. “Just when I think I have you figured out...“

“Can we do this then?” Kili leaned in until their lips were nearly touching, the ghost of a kiss.

“As much as you want.” Fili’s hand clenched on the back of Kili’s neck. “But can we go inside first? My ass is going numb sitting here.”

“Ok.” Kili started laughing, relief finally setting in. “Yeah, let’s go in.”

_This clearly wasn't the end of it. I think Fili still occasionally does wrestle with this, even years down the road, but ultimately the life he has isn't worth giving up for a moral point._

Bofur gave them only a mild look of surprise as they tumbled over each other into Kili’s bedroom and slammed the door. Without preamble, Kili pushed Fili onto the bed, pleased when he fell without protest. As soon as he bounced once, Fili’s hands were on his jeans and his shoes hitting the floor. Kili tore off his own clothes, eyes on Fili’s rapidly appearing skin.

“I want to rub myself over every inch of you.” Kili growled. “I want to own you.”

“You do.” Fili tossed his shirt off the side of the bed, then spread his arms wide. “Come here.”

Awash in relief, Kili climbed into Fili’s lap and kissed him until they were both breathless and hard. Kili made good on his desires, writhing in Fili’s lap as if he could press his scent into that beloved skin.

“Want to fuck you.” Fili nipped at Kili’s earlobe, provoking a low groan. “Can I?”

“Yeah. Yes. Now.” The words slurred drunkenly together.

They fumbled together for condom and lube, Kili preparing himself as best he could without leaving the comfort of Fili’s kisses or the fever hot meeting of their skin. Fili’s hands clenched around Kili’s waist as if he might try to escape.

“How?” Fili gasped, already half-gone, pupils blown wide.

“Like this.” With both hands, one slick with lube, Kili pushed Fili flat again. “Want to see you.”

Fili hadn’t let go, only migrated his hands around to Kili’s thighs. If anything his grip tightened as Kili lowered himself down, releasing a pained breath. There wasn’t enough prep for it to be truly comfortable, but Kili wanted the burn.

“You’re gorgeous.” Fili groaned, head thrown back and his throat exposed. A feral part of Kili longed to bite at that pale expanse. “Kili...fuck! You ok?”

“I will be if you do something more useful with your hands.” Rising and falling incrementally, Kili rode out the initial pain. Fili’s clever calloused hands went to work, one stroking Kili’s cock and the other digging heady scratches into Kili’s ass. “Can you live with this? Look at me and tell me that you can do this.”

Fili’s eyes opened clear and deep as the ocean, “There’s nothing else I want to do, Kili. This. You and me. Nothing else matters.”

Normally, Kili could outlast Fili in bed and then some, so it shocked both of them when he came like a shot, slumping over far as he could without losing Fili inside of him. His body was racked with aftershocks, muscles ticking and throbbing.

“Sorry.” He muttered, eyes half-shut.

“Don’t be.” Fili leaned up to kiss him. “That was...wow. Can I?”

“Yeah, let me just...”

Rolling over and taking Fili with him was tricky, but they managed it. Settled between Kili’s thighs, Fili put his lips to good use lavishing the sensitive skin of Kili’s knees and legs as he rocked in him. Already languid with orgasm, the fluid thrusts lulled Kili into a dreamlike state. He barely noticed when Fili finally came, hypnotized and laid bare beneath him.

“What you do to me.” Fili panted, when he finally lay down beside Kili. "I'd do anything for it."

It was an afterglow that should have been relished for hours. If Kili had been cognizant enough to make a plan, it would have involved a lot more kissing, nudity and eventually some form of food that one could eat in bed with minimal fuss.

“If you lads are done with raising the dead with your racket,” Bofur said outside the door not a minute later, “there’s dinner on the table.”

“Thanks.” Fili called out, then started to laugh. “Oh fucking hell. We need to get out of here.”

“Gonna stay?” Kili rubbed the tip of his nose over Fili’s shoulder. “Meatloaf, I think.”

“Probably best if I talk to Uncle tonight, get that madness out of the way.” Stretching, Fili arched up deliciously.

_If ever there was a conversation I was glad I didn't have to write…_

“I object. You should stay here.” Kili grumbled.

“Tell you what, I’ll come back to sleep, ok?”

“Don’t humor me.”

“Not humoring. I want very badly to sleep next to you tonight, can I?” Fili turned and he looked a little desperate. “Please?”

_It's critical at this point for Fili to reaffirm he's made the right decision. A night away from Kili would let the doubt back in._

“Yeah, of course. Always.”

It was with great reluctance that Kili released his hold on Fili and watched him dress. It was with even greater reluctance that he kissed him goodbye and let him walk out the door. Kili didn’t quite manage to get dressed, but pajama pants and an undershirt were good enough for dining attire.

“Well.” Bofur raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t start with me.” Kili held up a single finger.

“You do realize some might object.”

“Do you?” A rush of panic crashed over him.

“No.” Bofur clapped him on the shoulder. “Doesn’t matter a lick to me. You were strangers, can’t expect you to act like boys raised up together in Erid Luin.”

_This is no longer foreshadowing, since I'm heading into the last big bump of plot. Bofur probably has slipped up before. I can't imagine he can fake it all the time without accidentally referencing something occasionally._

“Where now?” Kili discovered the garlic bread, still hot from the oven on the table and broke of a chunk.

“Oi! That’s for all of us, brat. Don’t get your dirty hands all over it.”

Dinner was a much happier event than the last two days. Even Bifur seemed cheered by the return of Kili’s good mood and once chuckled over Bofur’s description of a hapless customer. Maybe they might have even managed a normal evening together, but a hollow knock shook the door before the plates could approach the sink.

“Why do we even have a buzzer?” Bofur complained, getting up to answer it. He looked through the peephole, then took a step backward as though he’d been struck.

“Who is it?” Kili got to his feet, Bifur beside him.

“I-”

The knock came again.

“Anser.” Bifur mumbled.

_I never explicitly state it, but I was heavily implying that Bifur might also have chosen to remember. He's knows who's at the door here._

“It’s him, Bif.” Trembling, Bofur set his hand on the doorknob. “All this time...are you sure?”

“Answer.” Bifur said again, clearer this time.

“It’s been better this way.” Hands clenched together, Bofur, composed calm Bofur, looked ready to crack wide open. “Hasn’t it been better?”

“Notarchoyz.”

_Not your choice, if that isn't clear._

“What the hell is going on?” Kili looked between them. The knock rattled the door again. “Is it an ex or something?”

“That would be easier.” Taking a deep breath, Bofur threw the door open.

It was Grady. The strange professor stood leaning on his cane, looking about as threatening as a new kitten. Yet, Bofur stood before him, dwarfed and awed.

“What are you doing here?” Kili blurted. “Did you get the address from Fili?”

“No.” Grady stared right at Bofur. “I make a point of keeping track. Can I come in?”

“Tea?” Bofur choked. “I...Kili put the kettle on.”

“Thank you.” Grady swept inside, a long pea coat flaring out behind him. “You’ve made a good home here.”

Kili tried to listen as he filled the kettle, but the drumming of water drowned out the specifics. He tried to piece it all together, the evidence refusing to resolve into a full picture. The web of who knew who seemed to be closing tighter, smothering everything in impossible coincidence. When he’d finally gotten the gas to ignite, the conversation had leaped beyond Kili’s meager comprehension.

“Is he alive?” Bofur was asking, still standing while Grady had taken a comfortable seat at one end of their couch and Bifur watching them both warily from the hallway.

“Yes. They’re a very strange race, you know. Slippery when they want to be. You must have guessed.”

“I didn’t dare hope.” The slope of Bofur’s shoulders collapsed inward.

_I fell for Bofur/Bilbo writing this fic. I knew I was going to write another modern au with them at the center by then._

“You’ve done well. Holding out here, gathering so many.” Grady’s pipe was back in his hand, tobacco filling. “Very well.”

“I failed him.” Bofur looked to Kili, then away agin. “Very badly. I found him so late.”

“Hey.” Kili protested. “If you mean me, then no, ok? What were you supposed to do?”

“The boy is right.” A match flared and smoke curled up to the ceiling. “If it was intended to be easy then it wouldn’t be a punishment.”

“Punishment for what?” Kili demanded. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Let me tell him.” Bofur crossed his arms resolutely over his chest. “Its...it should fall to me.”

“There are others still in ignorance, should we not enlighten them at the same time?”

“No. I think...at least this once. Let me have my way with it. You can tell whoever else you like.”

“As you wish.” A fat smoke ring drifted from Grady’s lips. “It’s time they woke to themselves.”

_Gandalf offers a choice, but he clearly thinks one is 'right'. Remembering._

“Bring them here for it, if you want.” Bofur took Kili’s elbow. “It would be good, to have everyone under one roof again.”

Ignoring all of Kili’s sputtered questions, Bofur took him down the hall and into his bedroom. Unlike Kili’s comfortable nest, Bofur’s room had always had a certain austerity to it. Bleary watercolors hung on the walls, softening dark stern wooden furniture and low bed. Bofur went immediately to his bureau, pulling open the top drawer and rifling through socks until he struck on an antique box.

“You’ll want to have a seat.” Bofur told him, so Kili sat on the edge of the bed. After some hesitation, Bofur sat beside him and opened the box. Inside were rows of odd trinkets stamped in silver and gold. Almost without looking, Bofur picked out an engraved hair clip. “This is yours.”

_These items Bofur took with him from Mahal's halls. Nothing else from the old world exists in this one._

“I think I’d remember buying something like that.” Yet when Bofur settled the clip into Kili’s hand, it did look a little familiar. He ran his thumb over the engraved symbols.

“There’s a story I have to tell you. Whether you believe it or not...there’s not much I can do for that. Will you listen?”

“Yes.” Kili closed his hand around the clasp, the weight of it right in his palm.

The world Bofur described was a foreign one of mythical creatures and lost kingdoms. It was a fairy tale, a complex bed time story. Yet each part of it slid easily into the jigsaw puzzle of Kili’s dreams. Even the gruesome battle rang true to the terrible dreams that he and Fili had unwittingly shared the night before.

“The line of Durin fell.” Bofur reached over and put his hand over Kili’s where it clenched around the clasp. “That should be where the story ends. A forgotten past. I returned to my home in exile while my brothers set out for Khazud Dhum to reclaim it. I often thought of traveling to meet them, but guilt and sorrow stayed me. When I died, it was without kin.

“And that was when it happened. I stood in a cavern...I do not have the words for what I saw there. I had been taught since I was a boy that in death, our spirits enter into the halls of Mahal and wait for the Final Battle. After that terrible end, we would be the ones to rebuild the Earth.”

_This is consistent with what I could find on dwarf mythology. I liked the idea that the middelearth apocalypse came to pass and gave us the world we now live in._

“But that isn’t what happened.” Kili guessed.

“Yes and no. Mahal was disappointed in us. Not just our company, but in most of dwarfkind. He had created us in the longing for companions who would understand his wisdom and instead, we had become petty and greedy. The Final Battle came and went in the time it took for him to explain that to us. I say us...I don’t know who stood there though it felt like all our kind. Outside that cavern, the world we knew disappeared and was born again with only the race of Men.

“Mahal showed us that new world and gave us a choice. We could stay in the cavern and fall into an everlasting sleep at his side or we could go out into this new world and do penance in another mortal life. What followed from there, he said he did not know.” Bofur let out a long, uneven breath. “Most stayed. My own brother, Bombur, chose sleep. Many of our company did, but not all. Mahal came to each of us in turn to ask. With a touch of his thumb to our forehead, we slept or we forgot and were reborn.”

_There's an old Jewish myth that the dip above your lip and below your nose is the place God presses so you won't remember Heaven when you're born. Love that._

“You didn’t forget.” Kili leaned into Bofur’s side, trying to make sense of it all.

“No, lad. I didn’t. I asked not to.”

“Why? Wouldn’t it be easier if you didn’t?”

“Someone had to bring us all back together.” Bofur put his arm around Kili’s shoulders. “I told Mahal that I’d let my family be lost the first time around and if this life were truly penance, then I wanted to bring us back together.”

“And rename us.”

“When I could.” Bofur agreed. “I knew from the time I was little what I was meant to be doing, but it was easier said than done. Scattered and lost. And you. Near broke my heart when I found you.”

“It wasn’t your fault. What kind of penance is it if you don’t suffer, right?”

“You did nothing wrong. You and Fili...you were good boys. Following your Uncle on a hope and a prayer.”

“Fili...did you know right away then? Is that..you introduced me to him!” Kili tried to feel scandalized, but there wasn’t room left in his overtaxed emotional space for it.

“I didn’t think you’d be on him like a dog on a bone, princess!” Bofur protested. “Wasn’t like you’d ever been hot on the idea of a relationship before. Thought you’d make a friend for once or something normal. Should have known. You two were always thick as thieves.”

_Bofur doesn't really think they would have gone as far as incest in their first life, just that the closeness without knowledge naturally translated to romance._

_“Shit. He’s going to love that. Brothers twice over. Guess that explains the ridiculously unlikely coincidence of him finding me, right? It’s all..fate and destiny and gods.” He turned the clip over again and again. “This has been a really weird day.”_

_“Good understatement.”_

_The sound of too many voices attempting conversation seeped under the bedroom door. Kili heard Fili, asking a bewildered question and then answered by too many voices. He made no move to get up though nor did Bofur suggest they rejoin the crowd._

_“What happens now?” Kili finally asked when he’d sorted through his thoughts as best he could._

_“Gandalf wants to offer us a choice. I don’t know on who’s behalf he speaks. Maybe only his own.” Scooping the trinkets out of the box, Bofur handed Kili the match to the hairclip he already held. “Continue on as you’ve been or let him return your memory of that past life.”_

_“Why? What does it matter?”_

_“Some would prefer to know who they are.” Bofur studied him. “Don’t you?”_

_“I know who I am.” Kili stood, wincing as his left knee cracked. “I don’t need another set of memories to tell me that.”_

__The knee cracked here for a reason. He's in pain, moving it from mind to body. He knows that he and Fili will have to make another choice._ _

_“You were a prince once, lad. You had a mother and father that loved you and doted on you.” Bofur set aside the box to examine him. “You truly don’t want that memory?”_

_“I-” He tried to imagine it and failed. “I don’t know.”_

_“Maybe think about it?” Bofur sounded a little amused and a little sad. “It wasn’t all awful adventures and war.”_

_The rabble outside ratched up another notch and Kili turned warily towards the door._

_“Once more into the breach.” Bofur levered himself up. “Go on then.”_

_Reluctantly, Kili went out into the living room. Every square inch was stuffed full of people, but he had eyes only for Fili, who sat in one of the kitchen chairs holding a beer bottle with one white-knuckled hand._

__Reappearance of beer here, the symbol of Fili's party trick appers here, underlining how complex things have become from the relatively simple 'meet cute' in the beginning._ _

_“Hey.” Kili went immediately to his side. Fili looked up at him, bewildered._

_“Hi.”_

_“This is yours.” He dropped one of the clips into the hand not holding the beer._

_“Oh.” Fili shoved the bottle between his thighs, reaching for Kili to draw him close as he studied it._

_“And how do we know this isn’t some attempt to brainwash us?” Dori was demanding, her usual bright blue liberty spikes drooping in the rising heat of the apartment. “Some kind of cult?”_

__Dori as a punk amuses me. That is all._ _

_“Don’t be stupid.” Fili’s Uncle Theo...Thorin, Kili realized, said. “You know it as well as the rest of us. Or have none of you dreamed of Erebor this week?”_

_“I don’t require your belief.” Gandalf’s pipesmoke clouded the air, obscuring the wizard’s face. “If you would choose to continue your lives as they are then there are no consequences. I only offer an alternative if you want it. Dwarfs were not meant to be men and I imagine it chafes uncomfortably sometimes. You must all feel as if you do not quite fit the roles you have been given.”_

_“Remembering has never done us any harm.” Bofur put in, arms crossed over his chest and Bifur at his side._

_“None at all?” Dori demanded. “How is that possible? As long as I’ve known you, you’ve been a sad old man.”_

__We've only seen Bofur through Kili's eyes through now. It is entirely possible that Dori's view is correct._ _

_“Hey now!” Kili protested, but Bofur gestured him into silence._

_“Maybe I am. Old anyway, older than I look, but if I’m sad it’s only because I’ve missed my family.” Looking carefully on the room, Bofur went on. “The world is a different place. If you remember, then you may only feel more separated from it. I don’t know. But I like remembering.”_

_The clamor started up all over again, questions, accusations and concerns ricocheting around the room. Kili slid his hand around Fili’s neck._

_“What about you?” He asked._

_“I don’t know.” Fili held the clasp aloft, letting it catch in the floursent light of the kitchen._

_“You’d remember our parents.” Kili repeated mindlessly. “They loved you.”_

_“Us. They loved us.”_

_“We’ll remember being brothers. All of it.” And then what? Would that natural repulsion rise between them? Would they have to give each other up after all?_

_Fili took Kili’s hand and Kili held on for dear life. They looked to each other and the decision was made, wordless and without regret._

_“And you, princes.” Grady stood before them, the others in the room gone silent. “What would you have?”_

_Kili's choice was already made, of course. He answered that question at the coffee shop during the original fight. Fili…again, I think this is a decision he makes over and over again for the rest of their lives._

_Epilogue: November 2017_

_A part of me wanted to leave the piece right there, but I figured I'd get lynched. And anyway, I wanted to work in Bofur's happy ending too._

_“You aren’t sleeping are you?”_

_The couch gave in all the right places and Kili wanted nothing more than to continue on with his afternoon nap under the fleece blanket. Instead, he cracked open one eye to take in Fili’s amused face looming inches away from his. With a grin and a growl, Kili reached out and tumbled Fili until he was lying comfortably over Kili._

_“Ugh, no.” Fili sagged against him defeat. “We’re going out tonight, remember?”_

_“We’re not supposed to there until eight.”_

_“Mhm and it’s six already.” Fili didn’t attempt to get up though, lounging on top of Kili. “You need to shower and so do I.”_

_“So we can shower at the same time. Very efficient and it saves water.”_

_“Persuasive. Long day?”_

_“The longest.” Kili closed his eyes. “Hauled delivery in for most morning, didn’t eat lunch until two because two of my guys got lost in the Bronx. I really have to tell Bruce we need GPS in the trucks, it’s ridiculous. Don’t know why they couldn’t use their phones. Then I spent all afternoon restaining a table because a client didn’t like that particular shade of walnut.”_

__Kili rose up a bit to become a shop manager and that's about where he'll stay for the rest of his career. He's content with that level of responsibility and the pay is decent enough. Fili opens his own metal shop and does well._ _

_“That does sound rough.”_

_Fingers started carding through Kili’s hair and he made a soft sound of approval._

_“How was your day?”_

_“Not bad. Still working on that Fibonacci project. Artist is a pain, but I like the idea. It’s been tricky.”_

_They settled into quiet, mellow and warm in the fading sunlight. The apartment still wasn’t much even after nearly five years of cohabitation. A one bedroom with a thumbnail of a kitchen, a perpetually moist bathroom with a gag gift shower curtains covered in flamingos that they’d never bothered to replace and a bedroom dominated by their queen sized bed. It had a lot of windows though, filling the small space with light until the last gasp of dusk._

_“Going to fall asleep if I stay like this.” Fili complained, attempting weakly to escape._

_“Stay. Just a little longer.”_

_“Fine. Prima donna.”_

_In the end, they had to rush through a shared shower, leaving their hair wet as they tossed on presentable clothing. Kili grabbed the gift he’d shoved in bag the night before and they went out shivering into the fresh darkness._

_“Where is this place anyway?” Fili asked as they went down into the subway._

_“The wilds of Brooklyn.” Kili pulled out his phone to get the address. “Apparently Gandalf found it on one of his rambles and insisted we do the party there. I think it’s a gastropub?”_

_“There’s a dozen of those in the city, why Brooklyn?” Fili gripped. The car was packed, so Kili reached for a strap and pulled Fili to him. “I can manage, you know.”_

__The gag here is that Brooklyn, despite looking very close to Manhatten, takes forever to get to. Until the last fifteen or so years, moving out to Brooklyn from the city was like moving to the moon._ _

_“Yes, but this is more fun.” He dropped a kiss onto Fili’s forehead, pleased when Fili didn’t grumble any further. “Anyway, this place is supposed to be really good, but no one else knows yet, so we could book it for cheap.”_

_“It’s a hipster place, isn’t it?” Fili buried his face in Kili’s coat. “As long as there’s beer, I guess.”_

_They found the resturant easily enough, a sedate brown building with a green door and ‘The Shire’ picked out in gold letters. The lights inside looked promisingly inviting. Kili pushed the door open and practically tripped over a trim small man in waistcoat._

_“We’re here for the party.” Fili explained in a rush._

_“Oh!” The man blinked them another second, then burst into a wide smile. “Of course, come in, come in. A few of the others are here already. I’m William, owner of the place. Any problems, just let me know. The room is straight to the back.”_

__I wanted to contrast Bilbo's greeting of the Company with this one._ _

_“Thanks.” Kili clapped him on the shoulder. “Much appreciated.”_

_The room was way in the back, tucked near the kitchen. The thick smell of onions and cheese already filled the air. Bifur, Dori and Gloin were already seated, drinking beer and spreading thick butter onto thicker bread._

_“Hello, lads!” Gloin boomed. “Good to see you.”_

_“Lo.” Bifur drew them both into a hearty hug and gave them both fresh bottles._

_“Open mine?” Kili asked, with a sly smile. Fili smirked and popped the top off with a careful flick. “Thank you.”_

_“You’re quite welcome.” Fili’s wink was filthy and Kili returned it two-fold._

_“Enough of that.” Thorin stepped in behind them, one arm around each their shoulders. “How are my boys?”_

_“Uncle!” Fili turned into the hug. “I thought you couldn’t make it?”_

_“Rearranged a few things. ” Thorin released them and Kili retreated as he always did. He was grateful for Theo’s gruff kindness, hardwon as it had been, but he never really knew what to do with it. “Almost didn’t find the place though. Who’s idea was it to do this in Brooklyn?”_

_“That would be mine.” Gandalf arrived in a flurry of coat, cane and smoke. “And if you followed the directions I gave you, it wouldn’t have been a problem.”_

_“Your directions looked to be written by a drunkard.” Thorin declared, taking a seat at the head of the table. “Where’s the man of the hour?”_

__Lost!Thorin will never not amuse me._ _

_“Balin is bringing him.” Gloin slid another beer to Thorin. “Meant to be a surprise, isn’t it?”_

_“How surprising can it be? He knows how old he is.”_

_“He’ll be surprised anyway.” Kili plucked up a piece of bread, gored out the white parts for himself and passed Fili the crust. “He never thinks we’ll do anything.”_

_Only a minute or so later, Bifur’s phone buzzed with a warning and they all quieted down._

_“This place is dead empty!” They heard Bofur protest. “Why are we in Brooklyn of all places?”_

_“I like Brooklyn.” Balin said mildly. “Keep going, our table is in the back.”_

_“Because that’s not at all worrisome.” Bofur was in the doorway now._

_“Surprise!” They shouted, a flurry of torn paper napkin erupting from Dori’s hands over Bofur’s head. “Happy 50th!”_

_“Fuck!” Bofur grabbed his chest, then started laughing. “You didn’t!”_

_“We did.” Kili beamed, jumping up to be the first for an enormous hug. “Happy birthday, old man.”_

_“Thanks, princess.” Bofur laughed, shoving a little at him. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”_

_Dinner was marvelous, good simple food that kept pouring out of the kitchens without being ordered and endless rounds of beer that left everyone too merry and laughing. Bofur opened his gifts with reckless enthusiasm, He almost ripped the scarf Kili had bought in his eagerness, then donned it immediately even though the room was already too warm. It was the hazy liquid kind of night that Kili would already have remembered fondly._

_But then just as things were winding down, it happened._

_“Now then.” Gandalf hit his glass with a spoon. “We should thank our gracious host before we leave, should we not?”_

_“Send him in!” Gloin, far gone and red nosed, rocked back on the bench with the shout. “Whoever stocks a meal for this crowd deserves praise.”_

_“I’ll fetch him then.” With a small, satisfied smile, Gandalf got up and walked through right into the kitchen as if he owned the place._

_“He’s up to something.” Fili speculated._

_“Don’t know if I can take anymore surprises.” Bofur grumbled._

_Gandalf returned only a moment later, ushering trim, waistcoated William in front of him, announcing, “Our host for the evening, Will-”_

_“Bilbo.” The name came from Bofur’s mouth, silencing every last sound in the room._

_“Hello, my dear.” Bilbo smiled, a nervous small thing. “I’m very sorry it took me so long.”_

_“No...no don’t be sorry.” Bofur stood up and walked straight across the table rather than going round the room. He jumped down with a heavy thud to land directly in front of the smaller man. “You’re here.”_

_“I’m here.” Tentatively, Bilbo reached out and tucked a flyaway strand of hair behind Bofur’s ear. “And I hope you’re glad of it. I left behind the Undying Lands. My nephew...many people. They’ve said I can return though, so there’s that.”_

__The Undying lands are made out to be something like Heaven, but you go there when you're alive. No idea what that really means in terms of the mechanics of the place, but I figured Bilbo could get out on the equivalent of a day pass._ _

_“I am glad.” Bofur swallowed hard. “You’ve no idea how glad.”_

_The moment hung, tense and breathless._

_And then they were kissing and Gloin let loose a wild whistle. Applause broke loose, taking on a life of it’s own and cheers reached the rafters._

_“I think we’re missing part of this story.” Kili said quietly to Fili under cover of the noise._

__This is the confirmation that they've both chosen not to remember though it's eluded to throughout the epilogue. They can have their happy ending, but it is an the expense of their memories._ _

_“Nah.” Reaching to grasp Kili’s hand, Fili grinned broad and perfectly happy. The thick silver bands on their left hands, runes painstakingly re-etched after being melted down, clicked as their fingers laced together. “Think we’ve got all the parts that matter.”_

__And that concludes this second look at Party Tricks! I want to say thank you again to everyone that read, commented and kudos on this fic. You were all wonderful and you keep me fueled up for more writing. until next time!_ _


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